Your First Fun Day Survival Guide

 

By Cara Dempsey, Pulp Co-Editor

Your First Fun Day Survival Guide:

What to bring:

• Snow boots. Just in case.
• A bottle of non-specific looking liquid.
• Ladies: crop top.
• Gentleman: yourselves.
• Towels/ lawn chairs

Greetings, Freshpeople and transfer students! You're about to embark on your first Fun Day escapade. As Mr. Krabbs once said, you're in for some "DEBAUCHERY!" Still, you want to be safe and not throw up at that cute guy from Spanish class's shoes. With that in mind, here are a few rules that you should follow:

RULE #1: WAKE-UP

Good morning, Sunshine! The Earth says, "SHOTS!" Get up and ready nice and early so you'll get a full day of fun.

RULE # 2: BREAKFAST

Eat. Please. Please eat a bagel. Eat two bagels. In all likelihood, you're about to do some awful things to the lining of your stomach. I know because I'm a doctor and I'm prescribing you one large, carb-filled breakfast to start your day. No worries. You'll still look adorable in your booty shorts, and Billy will totes still take you to the prom after.

RULE #3: ATTIRE

Fun Day actually originally comes from the German holiday Du bist Ein Idiot. As such, you should honor the German roots of this day of celebration by dressing in the traditional garb of their people: crop tops, booty shorts, sundresses, sandals, flannel, face glitter, body glitter, booty glitter, booby glitter, etc. That said, it's supposed to be a little chilly, so make sure you cover that in a jacket.

RULE # 4: DRANKS

dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks

RULE # 5:  CAMPUS SAFETY

This is not Monopoly and you do not have a get out of jail free card. You have no invisible force field around your bong. Put it away. Put your can of beer away. Put your obviously vomiting friend away (or make sure he/she has the proper medical assistance, then put your friend away). Campus Safety officers on Fun Day are like bees; they won't bother you if you don't bother them.

Don't be a jerk-o.

RULE #6: DRUNK TEXTING

Did you ever have a best friend so bestest that the two of you spoke in your own secret code? Well, on Fun Day, you might feel that way about everyone on your contact list, but that doesn't mean they think the same about you. You're incoherent drunk pig Latin is indecipherable, and booty calls shouldn't be sent out into the universe before midafternoon.  Friends don't let friends dial drunk.

RULE #7: BOUNCY CASTLE

Please try not to break anything.

RULE #8: FUN NIGHT

Regardless of whether you end in up in your bed, someone else's bed, or a friend's couch in Northwoods, get cozy fall asleep drunk with your jeans still on and dream satisfied dreams of your super fun Fun Day.

The Best of Yik-Yak: 4/20 Edition

By: Nicole Smith, Pulp Editor, 16'

“You call it 4/20, I call it Monday”

“Woke up, had sex, got high, eating cake”

“It’s 420! AKA just a normal day at Skidmore College”

“I have high expectations for today”

“Appropriate that Skidmore’s school color is green.”

“No mom. What’s a marijuana?”

“I cannot express how much I don’t care about 420.”

“420 is to stoners as saint patty’s is to Irish.”

“I can’t believe marijuana was born today. Happy Birthday weed.”

“Don’t get high before a 2hr class cause then it’ll be 4hrs.”

Skidmore got 99 problems...99-75

By Cara Dempsey, Pulp Co-Editor

One hard hitting journalist spent 7 days roaming the mean streets of Northwoods, the halls of Palamountain, and the Spa, looking for answers to the question that the rest of the world so desperately wants to know about privileged twenty-somethings: "What the fuck is your problem anyway?"What we overheard wasn't pretty. In fact, it was so shocking, that we had to paraphrase it to even get it in print. What you've got here are problems 99 through 75, but read 'em quick because this stuff is headed straight to the evidence locker.

Skidmore students got 99 problems...

99. And bitches are number 99. Bitches take the last three grilled cheeses in dhall when there's a line of 20 hungry hipsters behind them. They slack during your MB107 meeting. Bitches be bitches.

98. People who call the  RA when my music is too loud but won't just knock on my door and ask me to quiet down!

97. Those kids who keep blasting music in the Spa on Saturday nights. This isn't high school musical, so go find a party and stop raving all over my chicken fingers.

96. The dancing kids from the Spa on Saturday night who keep breaking the speakers.

95. Having to write blog posts on Blackboard for my Art History class.

94. Hipsters who think that their music is better than yours. Put down the beer and step away from my Pandora playlist.

93. My girlfriend won't go down on me if I smoke weed.

92. No one wants to be my boyfriend.

91. Where all the other lesbians hiding?

90. The lube from the Center for Sex and Gender does not do it for me.

89. I have to write a paper.

88. I had to write a paper last week. This week, all of my friends are writing papers, and I have gone close to 14 days without human contact.

87. I always do the reading. Last night I didn't, and the professor called me out. The sweaty beanie-wearer next to me didn't show up to class for a week. Professor said nothing.

86. I'm taking MB107 and I can only imagine this is what the 9th circle of Hell is sort of like.

85. I hate girls in white pants. It's not even summer.

84. My roommate doesn't wear headphones when he watches documentaries.

83. I hate when dDhall puts tomatoes in the grilled cheeses—- so soggy!

82. I hate when skinny hipsters wear sacks that look sexier than my jeans.

81. I called my professor Dad the other day.

80. Only seven people have RSVP'd for my campus event.

79. I'm on call for the whole of  Fun Day.

78. There are dead ladybugs everywhere!

76. My roommate does her dishes at three in the morning.

75. The Skidmore WiFi isn't just slow—it slaughtered my whole family in front of me right before my eyes, chopped off my brother's hand, bent the fingers down so that hand was giving me the middle finger, and then shoved the hand in my face, smearing the blood of my brother across my eyes; now I only see red and have sworn to spend the rest of my life seeking vengeance (*note—the speaker did not actually say any of this. The speaker was just so worked up about the WiFi that this journalist could only assume that this was the back story.)

How Feminist Are You Really?

By Cara Dempsey, Pulp Co-Editor

1) Which statement do you believe in most ardently?

1. a) Women deserve equal pay!
2. b) If I were a boy, I think I could understand.
3. c) Glee went way downhill in the middle of its second season, and Puck got less cute.
4. d) It's my body, and I'll cry if I want to.

2) Major/ minor?

1. a) Gender studies/Gender studies. Double--stuffed.
2. b) Music/Dance with a concentration in booty.
3. c) Men's studies/women's studies.
4. d) Physics/computer science.

3) How do you feel about phalluses?

1. a) They're oppressive.
2. b) I think Destiny's Child sang about them.
3. c) I'm a fan of their work.
4. d) They frighten me.

4) Favorite song on season 1 of Glee?

1. a) The one with the midnight train going aaaaaanywhere… shit, what is that called?
2. b) Which season did they do the Beyoncé episode?
3. c) "Don't Stop Believing"
4. d) That Journey song.

5) When do you, as a woman, feel most empowered?

1. a) In any class in the gender studies department.
2. b) Whenever Beyoncé is on stage shakin' that thang in front of big letters that say FEMINISM. Actually, when she's doing anything.
3. c) When I hear the final note of Idina Menzel singing "Let It Go."
4. d) Real talk: I've been a dude this whole time, and the phrasing of your questions is sexist and alienates me.

If you answered mostly A...

You’re such a feminist, Virginia Woolf's ghost possessed the doctor who delivered you on the day you were born just to thank your mother for birthing you.

If you answered mostly B...

You are a Beyonce feminist. Congratulations. Check out Miley Cyrus too. You'll love her work.

If you answered mostly C...

Frozen was only aight. Let it go already.

If you answered mostly D...

I'm sorry that you felt that way, young man. In the future, all personality quizzes published by the Skidmore news will use the non-gendered pronoun, zhe. Is that how it's spelled?

Skidmore Classifieds

By: Nicole Smith, 16', Pulp Editor

WANTED: Spider Killer Duties Include: obliterating any and all insects that traipse through the house like they own the place. Skills required: sharp hearing and fast at running in order to arrive and murder spiders the instant my screams are heard. The bounty of each spider will be $100. If interested in the position please email, i-hate-Spiders-alot-for-realz@hotmail.com to set up an interview.

FOR SALE: Bottomless chocolate Box Bottomless chocolate box made from mahogany wood, in good condition. Produces all kinds of chocolate including but not limited to: dark chocolate, white chocolate, raspberry filled, caramel filled, and chocolate covered strawberries and cherries.Three years still remain on the warranty. The price is approximately $10,000 but open to negotiations. If interested please call 666-666-6666.

FOR SALE: Unwanted House Guest This person will eat your food, sleep on your couch, and stink up your bathroom. Half of the day they spend binge-watching Netflix with your account password and the rest of the day sleeping. Caution! Do not attempt asking the guest to do any physical activity, they will get irritable and may explode into a crazy, wild fit. The guest does not play well with other houseguests, however, he is potty-trained. The price is set at $.01. If interested please call 123-456-7890.

NEEDED: Bike Peddler Duties include: being available all the time to peddle my bike to wherever I want to go. Skills required: must be in peak physical condition and a good listener in order to hear about all of my problems with my roommates and my series of boyfriends. Hourly pay is $8 an hour, with a special $500 bonus at the end of the week if my problems are solved. Please email me at, I-really-am-not-a-drama-queen@aol.com if interested in the position.

NEEDED: Gold Fish Sitter Duties include: devoting a minimum of 7 hours a day to Goldie, ensuring her happiness by making sure she is entertained at all time, keeping Goldie healthy by giving her a well-balanced diet and making sure she gets one hour of cardio a day. Her favorite foods are gold fish and filet mignon. Experience required: at least two years experience baby-sitting gold fish. Hourly pay rate is $278.34 an hour; any mistakes made will come directly from paycheck. If interested, please contact me on the bench on the corner of Broadway and Main St. between the hours of 1:34 and 1:36 on Mondays.

WANTED: Personal Assistant to Cat lady Duties include: Feeding, bathing, and putting the cat lady to bed, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, and feeding, bathing and grooming her 162 cats. All cat’s names and faces must me memorized by the end of the first day. Each cat is special and unique and has different dietary needs and interests, which must be attended to at all times. No experience required. Hourly pay is $1, but can be as high as $500 dollars. If interested please come to 24 Hermit Way, I am always there… I never leave.

NEEDED: COFFEE Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, COFFEE, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, COFFEE, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, COFFEE, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee. PLEASE! Give me any kind of coffee, all coffee. I will pay anything! Find me in the library, at all hours of the night if interested.

SkidSteals

By: Tameem Samawi, contributing writer

SGA recently announced that they will be dissolving themselves. In a statement released last month Sam Harris stated “It turns out we formed a policy that forced us to be dissolved…I just don’t know how that could have happened.” One confidential, high ranking source stated, “I think we were just making too many policies, especially in this new one we passed.” In fact, over 1,000 students signed the newest policy while on their way to the dining hall. One student commented, “I didn't even know what I was signing; I just wanted to eat…”

The question on every students mind now is “What happens to all the money?” What turned from a college wide investigation quickly transformed into a national investigation when it was discovered that SGA had been embezzling funds over false events. In financial statements the organization was forced to release, events were falsified and the money pocketed. We managed to get our hands on one such financial statement where several events were listed such as Moorebid and Squirrel Appreciation Day.

Shortly after the shattering discovery, the FBI began their investigation into what is being called “one of the biggest liberal arts scandals of the century” or “the 97^th biggest college scandal.” The FBI/Campus Safety joint task force investigation has been going through the SGA office for other signs of federal crimes. So far they have only come across love letters from Glotzbach to Harris.

The director of the investigation released a statement to the press: “with over $500,000 in embezzled funds it’s no wonder your clubs aren’t getting the budgets they deserve. We still don’t know where all the money has gone, but we do know that a good amount has gone to exclusive SGA parties in venues such as Club Falstaff’s. There also seems to be thousands of dollars poured into the rampant poster campaigns.”

Though many students are shocked, most are happy. Henry Levis ’16 stated, “It’s nice to have a clean inbox and to be able to eat without signing something.”. In the midst of this mess, the college has proposed a new alternative and has decided to run club affairs and has promised to start by fully funding the Polo Club. It is a period of change at Skidmore, but the student body can be certain that the days of real change are ahead.

Skidmore Wordsearch

By: Nicole Smith, 16', Pulp Editor

Words: ART, BROADWAY, CASE, DHALL, FILENE, HORSE, JOTO, PULP, SARATOGA, SCRIBNER, SKIDMORE, SNOW, SPA, TANG, TISCH,

Skidmore Quidditch Inducted into NCAA

By Mia Merrill, Sports Editor This Monday, the Skidmore Quidditch Team became a member of the NCAA, according to NCAA officials and Skidmore Athletics staff. “We’re so proud of the team,” said one staff member. “They’ve really accomplished all their goals for their season.” The induction is allegedly due to the recent discovery of many members of the team being able to fly. Apparently their athletic prowess, fierce determination, and lack of time spent for other activities have allowed team members to lift off from the ground. “It’s quite a sight to see,” said one student who witnessed the flight. “They’re literally defying gravity. They’re going to give the Tuftlepuffs a run for their money.” The promotion will not affect the date or schedule of the collegiate Quidditch championships. The Skidmore News would like to send a reporter to the championships, but we unfortunately do not have anyone on staff who is also an insect.

New VOX Campaign: Protect Your Heart

by Chloe Kimberlin & Jacob Reiskin

Last week, VOX: Voices for Planned Parenthood announced their club’s new campaign: Protect Your Heart. “Dental dams, female condoms, flavored lube… but what about the kids’ hearts?!” quoth the Glotzbach at Skidmore’s Annual Presidential Address. In response to President Glotzbach’s concerns, VOX leapt into action to devise their new campaign.

“Students have great access to contraceptives on campus. I mean, have you seen our Free Condom Friday set-up? But, we worry they are leaving their hearts exposed,” Vox’s club president chimed in.

Studies have shown that millennials engage in a dangerous hook up culture (The Onion, CosmoGirl.com, Wikipedia). Twenty-something-year-olds often have sex with friends, or what they more lovingly refer to as ‘friends with benefits.’ However, those daredevils still choosing to engage in cold, hard relationships are leaving themselves vulnerable to feelings of attachment or, in a growing number of cases, breakup. According to Yik Yak, this development is known as ‘Catching the Feels.’

In an interview yesterday, the Director of the Center for Sex and Gender Relations spoke to the Skidmore News about the dangers inadequate heart protection poses to students.

“They go out on a Friday night, have a few drinks, sometimes they run into somebody new at a party… Then they go home with this person and soon enough, they’re seeing each other more and more, cuddling after sex—one student even told me she let her partner share her toothbrush. I tell you, it’s a slippery slope.”

Students have disregarded this behavior as just that of glorified fuck buddies, but expert nurses at Jonsson Tower’s Health Services have attested to the many risks of a budding relationship. They recommend students spend at least 6 hours per day lying in their (own) beds, watching Netflix (by themselves) to prevent exposure. They’ve also been inexplicably giving students cotton swabs and each a single packet of decongestants, telling them to “come back in a few days if they don’t improve.”

VOX will be running a poster campaign that features CDC statistics on the risk of feels and the threats they pose to the heart.

“It’s just not like what you see in the movies…” sighed a disillusioned Skidmore student who was reportedly misled by Love Actually, and every character Katherine Heigl has ever played.

Skidmore to Host New Lecture Series: “You’re Probably Wasting Your Time”

By Janine Kritschgau, '18, Features Editor

This morning, Skidmore announced its most star-studded lecture series to date. Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, and Ralph Lauren will each partake in “You’re Probably Wasting Your Time,” a handful of lectures focusing on the benefits of dropping out of college.

The series has been organized by the Speaker’s Bureau. “We are responding to a general trend of fatigue and lack of motivation among students,” the Speaker’s Bureau commented in its release statement.

Despite some initial hesitation, faculty members have quickly endorsed the series. “To be honest, everything I say in my class is read directly from a text book. Luckily students never crack them open so they don’t notice. Essentially, I could do this job without a degree, and students could buy these books and read them on their own,” a mathematics professor who would like to remain anonymous stated.

This lecture series raises serious questions regarding our society's conditioning of the younger generation. The steady increase in fees and tuition of colleges and universities around the world causes a great deal of anxiety. Regardless of these worries, students are told going to college is the only way to improve their job prospects. For many, not going to college feels unthinkable. Life without college seems scary—a lifetime of living in one’s parent’s basement, making cash by doing chores around the house.

Drawing upon their own experiences as college dropouts, Gates, Zuckerberg, and Lauren will speak about what it’s really like to make the move into this unknown. When students reached out to them to organize the event, each of the speakers said “It’s pretty freaking awesome,” in unison.

Kanye West will open each event with performances of songs from his debut album, College Dropout.

Skidmore will Begin Offering a New Major in Fall 2015

 

By Noa Maltzman ’18, News Editor

Over spring break the Fall 2015 Skidmore master schedule came out. As students returned from spring break, they began to analyze the course offerings in hopes of finding the perfect classes, which will lead them to having what they call a perfect schedule. “For me, a perfect schedule is no classes before noon or after 3 p.m. and none on Monday or Friday. This way I can have a four day weekend every week,” Matt Franken ’17 said when asked what makes her perfect schedule.

While spending time looking at classes in your pre-declared major, many might have missed the newest addition to the master schedule: a new major that Skidmore will begin offering next semester. The new major is called “Choice Making.” The brief description for the major states, “In this discipline of study students will learn to make choices now and in the future. Students in this major will graduate with the better ability to make choices for them, their friends, family, and strangers.”

This major is ultimately the perfect one for students who don’t know what they want to major in because it will teach them how to make choices, a skill they are clearly lacking as they couldn’t choose an actual major. “I am thinking about declaring this as my major as I have the inability to make choices and therefore can’t decide what else to declare,” Jessica Lewis ’18 said.

Core courses for the new major include Choice Making 101, where students learn what choices are and the basic types of choices they can make; Choice Making For Yourself teaches learn about making choices for oneself; and lastly Choice Making For Others teaches how to make choices for others. “I will be teaching Choice Making For Others, and this course is important because what if you end up marrying someone that can’t make choices for themselves? Now you will know how to make choices for them,” said James Richardson professor of Choice Making For Others.

Once a student takes all the core courses for the major they will be able to take the specialty courses offered, which include:

Choice Making 204: Making Choices in Sad Situations

Choice Making 217: Making Life or Death Choices

Choice Making 234: Risky Choices

Choice Making 242: Making Choices on the Spot

Choice Making 312: Making Choices in Sports

Choice Making 321: Making Choices in Love

Choice Making 356: Making Choices that Have Never Been Made Before

The major will conclude with Choice Making 364: Senior Seminar—The Biggest Choice. In this class, students will spend the whole semester writing a thesis on the biggest choice they have ever had to make. “I am looking forward to learning a lot about my students from the choices they choose to write about for this final paper,” said Heather Branderson, the Choice Making department chair.

Reel Talk: “Worst Movie Ever” is literally the worst movie ever

By Sean van der Heijden

Last weekend, I got to see an advanced screening of “Worst Movie Ever,” which comes out this Friday. Directed by Kevin Smith, the film concerns real-life director Wes Anderson (played by Amy Adams) who tries desperately to get his movie made. However, the set keeps getting attacked by massive, bloodthirsty zombie cats, played by Jesus (who actually does a good job), McLovin, and one of the hyenas from The Lion King. It’s a ridiculous premise, but the whole thing was supposed to be a satire. Needless to say, I didn’t get it.

Let me start, though, with the makeup—it was fantastic. I couldn’t even recognize Jesus underneath all the fur and prosthetic hind legs. Also, Amy Adams’ fake nose really does make her look like Wes Anderson—it’s kind of creepy. She captures his pretentious, quirky personality pretty well, too.

But that’s about it for the good stuff. It was nice to see the hyena do something new after a 21-year hiatus, but he had terrible chemistry with both Jesus and McLovin. I just couldn’t picture the three of them wanting to eat Amy Adams’ brains out. Also, McLovin is terribly miscast—he does not make a realistic zombie cat at all and you can totally still hear his American accent when he tries to purr or meow. He should just go back to being in Superbad.

As for the plot itself, it’s ridiculous. If the whole thing is supposed to be a satire of how hard it is to get a movie made in Hollywood nowadays, then why would they make Wes Anderson the main character? First off, he doesn’t even make movies in Hollywood, but also—coming off of the success of The Grand Budapest Hotel, he could make whatever movie he wanted to.

Anyways, adding zombie cats seemed like a cool idea, but the deaths were way too predictable. There are some good scares and a lot of blood, but it’s all too generic. If you want a zombie movie, just go see The Evil Dead or something; if you want an Amy Adams movie—just pick anything, she’s probably in it; and if you want a Wes Anderson movie, well, just go watch a Wes Anderson movie. The three don’t go well together, although I have a feeling it’s because of the zombie cats.

So basically, it’s terrible. If the people who wrote Twilight and the people who wrote Fifty Shades of Grey got together and had a baby, it would be this movie—that’s how terrible the writing and chemistry is. I’d rather see Dakota Johnson and whatever his name is stare at each other awkwardly for two more hours than have to sit through this mess again. It really isn’t worth your money.

Overall: 0 out of 10 (but I feel like a zero is still too high).

Skidmore College Cancels Spring

By Andrew Shi, '15  

The Skidmore News has learned that the administration unilaterally canceled spring. The decision came about a month ago, but went unannounced in the hope that students wouldn't notice. The recent cancellation is only the newest in a string of terminated long-held traditions that the administration has made this academic year. Last fall the administration cancelled Moorebid and fun.

When asked why they cancelled spring, the administration replied that it was part of their newest initiative to cut down drinking. "There is a clear correlation between warm weather and partying. If it's cold, fewer students are willing to brave the outdoors on a Friday or Saturday night," said Jeffrey Bryant, Assistant Dean of Student Life.

However, the newest ban on spring may have counterproductive repercussions, as some students are searching for an answer to the unending dismal weather at the bottom of the bottle. "My friends and I have made a drinking game out of it," Janet Bradley '17 said. "We take a shot for every degree the high is below forty and an additional four shots for every inch of snow. I've taken sixteen shots in the last two days."

Surprisingly, the College has received little backlash for their action. "I would go protest, but it is literally freezing outside," Henry Sims said. "I might send a strongly worded letter instead."

However, the College's brash decision has raised the specter that the College might move to cancel Fun Day, Skidmore's other 4/20.

"We did consider it [banning Fun Day], but decided against it in the end" Bryant said. "The fact of the matter is that even if the weather is warm enough, and somehow all the snow melts, knowing Saratoga it'll probably just rain anyways."

Summer is still scheduled to commence once the semester ends, but not a moment before.

April Horoscopes

By Cara Dempsey, Pulp co-editor  

Aries

April will present challenges for you, Aries. At approximately 2 a.m./p.m. on Thursday, April 32, your roommate will start auctioning off your underwear to members of the lacrosse team. Bids will begin at three cents, and you will be disappointed at how little your underwear is actually worth to strangers. Guard your panties.

Taurus

Now is the time to make the career move that you've been thinking of, Taurus. Put on your best fitting trousers and give your current employer a good look at that middle digit because success is on the horizon. In fact, call the ol' boss up right now. Let them know that the stars are in your outer space basketball court this month, and you sure as shoe-shine don't need their minimum wage anymore! Call me after and let me know how it goes.

Gemini

Umm, sorry, Gemini, but I'm still not talking to you. Last weekend was, like, seriously uncool and you know it.

Cancer

I'm so sorry to hear about everything. How are the treatments? Just know that we're all so proud of you for how strong you've been since they diagnosed you. I think things will get better this month. Keep your chin up, buttercup!

Leo

You're a regular DiCaprio! This is the perfect time to pursue your theatrical dreams. Try out for the school play! If it's too late to try out for the school play, buy a ticket and support the arts! That way, if anyone is kind of crappy, you can write a review so scathing, they'll have to be recast immediately. When that happens, they'll know who to call! (Ghostbusters)

Virgo

When your professor hands that paper back tomorrow, do yo'self a favor and toss that thing in the trash face down. It's better this way. You don't want no part of that shit.

Scorpio

Just so you know, Scorpio, I heard what happened with Gemini this weekend, so there isn't any point in making small talk. We're done. Fuggedaboutit.

Sagittarius

You're going to have a great weekend beginning on Friday the 10th. In fact, it might be a little too great. You're not going to remember a thing. Allow me to help: you kissed a girl that looked exactly like Bobby in the bathroom while your roommate was doing a strip tease on top of her lofted bed to the tune of the Animaniacs theme song. Everyone loved it. Campo came, and your Res Life meeting will be on the following Tuesday morning.

Capricorn

Hey, Capricorn, did you know that the Center for Sex and Gender is located on the third floor of case and sells pregnancy tests for way cheaper than CVS? Seriously! It's only, like, 3 dollars! Why am I doing what? Oh, no reason.

Aquarius

Damn, is that you? You look pretty good right this month. Aquarius could get it.

Pisces

It's time to reconnect with family this month, Pisces. Go find your mother. Oh, also, I think that you're finally old enough to know that you're adopted.

Libra

Libra, now is the time to dance and love. Be your own queen bee. This month may very well be your life's peak. Enjoy it!

The Best of Yik-Yak

By: Nicole Smith, 16', Pulp Editor

“I’m great in bed…. I can sleep for hours.”

“About to take a blow dyer onto the green and melt the snow myself since nature wants to take its damn time.”

“You think I’d be in better shape after all this time spent running away from my obligations.”

“Trying not to break out in hysterical laughter as someone right next to me lights up the stall.”

“Told a professor on Monday that I was sick and couldn’t come to our meeting, but really I was just unprepared. Saw her today and she said I still look under the weather. I thought I looked good today.”

“Nothing like drooling over a photo of a guy until you realize that he is actually young Stalin. You know, before the murderous dictatorship.”

“It’s the kind of day where I put on eyeliner but forgot mascara.”

“She must be a 14 on the pH scale, cause she’s basic as fuck.”

Blurbs Overheard

by Cara Dempsey, Pulp Co-Editor

“You’re looking Chef-Boy-Ar-Deeeelicious!” Overheard in Palamountain

“She’s like human head lice.” Overheard in Case

“I wanna strap a tiny camera to a chicken finger, see what goes on in there.” Overheard in Spa

“Forget everything you think you know about Judaism.” Overheard in Palamountain

"They played guitar with a dildo. No lies." Overheard outside JOTO.

The Replacement

Photo Credit: Couch, France, 1740-50, Accessed through ARTstor

By: Anonymous Contributor

Slam the door crashed behind him as he walked out, leaving behind a faint echo that reverberated through the cramped, but nearly empty studio apartment.

With a sigh of relief she sank down into the old couch and shut her eyes, replaying the events of the day. Slowly, a crooked, malicious smile appeared on her lips as she applauded her efforts in the conversation that just ensued.

You see, she had been trying to master the art of manipulation for the past five years, and after hours of endless fights and arguments, she realized that she had succeeded. This had been a tough test of her abilities, but she applied all of the knowledge and tricks that she had mastered and she had succeeded, and it felt good. No, it felt more than good—it felt magnificent.

Her eyes sprung open and she looked around the room as if in deep thought. Slowly, she lifted herself from the rustic couch, as it was not an easy couch to lift oneself out of. She stared longingly at the rips in the seams, and the stains that reminded her of the long years they had spent together. Spaghetti sauce, wine, and soda created its own pattern on the fabric that nearly covered the surface of the cushions.

Walking to the kitchen, she tied her long hair in ponytail and opened a drawer to grab a knife. She held it before her eyes as if inspecting it for any imperfections. She twisted it in her hands and then looked back toward the couch.

Heading for the homely thing, she held the knife high above her head. When she arrived at her destination she brought her hand down fast and hard into the upholstery. Repeatedly, she stabbed the knife in the cushions, the arms, the pillows and the back of the couch. Her eyes emitted a type fierce rage that would make you want to run away. She didn’t stop menacingly slicing the couch until the thing was nothing but scraps of stuffing and fabric and pieces of wood scattered about the room.

Just as she finished cleaning up the mess, her husband burst through the doors completely out of breath. He stared at his wife questioningly after he saw the empty spot where his beloved and precious couch once sat. Just as he was about to speak, three men burst through the door behind him carrying a new, lovely leather couch, and placed it down where the ugly old one used to sit.

The Six Mental Stages of Winter: A Steady Decline from Childlike Wonder to Bitter Disgust

 

Photograph: Winter:Time of the Hawk, Romare Bearden, 1985, collage on board. Accessed through ARTstor.

By: Marie Civitello, ’17, Contributing Writer

1. November: By day, you greet the first chilly notes of winter with excitement. By night, you dream of sleigh bells, jolly fat men and singing snowmen dancing under geysers of hot chocolate.

2. December: You frolic through the freshly fallen snow, clambering over gargantuan snowbanks as if they were the grassy Austrian hills of “The Sound of Music.” Merry Christmas, winter!

3. January: Smiling with effort at the towering grayish snow piles around campus, you attempt a half-hearted snow angel but realize this is impossible in four feet of snow.

4. February: Staring in bewilderment at the snow falling sideways outside the window, you count the number of days since you last saw the sun on your swollen, frostbitten finger nubs.

5. March: Snowed in for five days, you begin to worship an orange—the only object remotely resembling the star you have heard (apparently) exists at the center of our solar system.

6. April: Crazed and vitamin D deficient, you burst outside as soon as temperatures soar to 40 degrees. Wearing nothing but a Hawaiian shirt, you run through campus screaming in rabid glee.

The Perception Painter

 

Danielle Rubin 2017, Skidmore News photographer

Story By: Douglas Patrick ’18, Contributing Writer

"The Perception Painter"

Molly listened as Adam told his friends at his lunch table of his English teacher’s stupidity. Adam had been given a week to write a poem about something he found either particularly beautiful or disturbing. His clumsily peach-fuzzed chin and neck moved dumbly while he explained his taking of a poem off the internet nearly word-for-word. He, then, followed by saying he had received a superior mark on “his work.”

The way he put it, as he pushed his moppy dark hair out of his brown eyes, was “poetry sucks, why should I write more of it for the world to not read?” His friends laughed around Molly while she sat silently. Her arm began to press down more tightly over her light blue covered notebook that laid on the table full of stanzas and rhyme.

. . .

“Ah, yes.” The painter’s face of wisdom glowed while he said his thoughts aloud. A delicate stroke of black is given as his gift to the easel. His canvas stood within a cloudy, white room. On two wooden stands that created a “U” with the easel, were an array of paints; the painter stood between them. On the right side of the painter were beautifully vibrant full containers of blues, purples, yellows, whites, and greens that stood proudly. On the left, half-used containers of dark reds, deceitful blacks, and sad grays awaited their inevitable use. After putting his brush down, he took a small, careful step back and looked upon his work with an expert eye.  Satisfied, he turned to the door and walked out into the pink hallways of Molly’s brain.

. . .

The bell interrupted Adam’s rant on poetry to signal that lunch was over.  The tables of people sprang into action. Molly pulled her backpack up off the floor by its right strap. Halfway through her forceful tug she realized, much too late, that the big pocket was left unzipped and the contents flipped out on to the cafeteria tiles.

Adam heard the splashing of papers and realized what had happened. He walked quickly over to Molly and, while standing over her, asked, “Need any help Molly?”

. . .

The painter stopped in his tracks during his trek down the walkway. “Oh, of course, I must add that!” He thought aloud once more. He rushed to the door he had just shut and threw it open while the block letters that read “Adam” flew past his face while the door flew open. The easel awaited him and he nearly jumped to the bright wooden stand to his right to make his addition. He picked up his brush and dipped it–but the bristles didn’t wet with a light blue. They hit the paint like a wall. The painter tried again and again. The black quills just pushed back up to the handle, refusing to dip into the paint.

. . .

Molly looked up from her gathering of books and loose papers off the floor and into the dark brown eyes of Adam. She replied, “No. I’m perfectly fine without any of your help.” And a confused Adam made no attempt to insist and walked away.

Molly knew one thing for certain, the paint had dried.

Which Skidmore Sports Team Do You Belong On?

Which Skidmore Sports Team Do You Belong On?

1) Which of these is more important to you?

1. a) Booty
2. b) Beer
3. c) Bitches
4. d) Global Warming

2) Area of study?

1. a) Self-declared Film Studies
2. b) Gender Studies/ Environmental Studies with a focus on the testing of Covergirl Clump Crusher Mascara on small female rodents
3. c) Culinary Arts
4. d) Defense Against the Dark Arts

3) Favorite euphemism for breasts?

1. a) Cans
2. b) Melons
3. c) Jugs
4. d) Coconuts

4) Buddy the elf! What's your favorite color?

1. a) Primary. Wait, did you say kind of color or did you want a specific color?
2. b) Covergirl Clump Crusher in the shade Brownish Black
3. c) Aubergine
4. d) Green

5) Can you even catch?

1. a) Dad wasn't around much when I was young, so the neighbor taught me how to catch. It wasn't until last year that I found out about him and Ma.
2. b) Yes, but I'd prefer not to.
3. c) Honestly? Not so much.
4. d) I can only catch things with my mouth.

6) What team do you want to be on?

1. a) Real talk? I don't even know what sports teams we have here.
2. b) I wanted to go out for women's lacrosse but I'm a man and they have, like, zero respect for my gender expression. I guess men's lacrosse.
3. c) The one with the ponies!
4. d) Umm, duh, the one where I get to fly around on a motha-truckin broomstick! Huh? Wait... what do you mean? Then how do they even—? Oh, fuck it.

If you answered mostly A...

Hockey! Looks like you know a thing or two about a thing or two when it comes to pucks. Try it! If that doesn't work out, you could always try something else, like Netflix.

If you answered mostly B...

Congrats! You were practically born to wield a lacrosse stick. Start growing your mullet and head to the Skid Shop to purchase some of that Vineyard Vines gear all the kids are wearing these days.

If you answered mostly C...

Honey, this is your mother. I know things have been hard for you socially this semester. I think that joining the soccer team is a great idea. You'll meet so many friendly people. In the mean time, try bringing cookies to your classes! That seems like a neat way to make friends!

If you answered mostly D...

You're the Chosen One. No, not chosen to defeat the dark lord or take me to prom. You've been chosen to join the Quidditch team! Fly like an eagle!