Skidmore got 99 problems...99-75

Screen Shot 2015-04-16 at 10.26.51 PM By Cara Dempsey, Pulp Co-Editor

 

One hard hitting journalist spent 7 days roaming the mean streets of Northwoods, the halls of Palamountain, and the Spa, looking for answers to the question that the rest of the world so desperately wants to know about privileged twenty-somethings: "What the fuck is your problem anyway?"What we overheard wasn't pretty. In fact, it was so shocking, that we had to paraphrase it to even get it in print. What you've got here are problems 99 through 75, but read 'em quick because this stuff is headed straight to the evidence locker.

Skidmore students got 99 problems...

 

99. And bitches are number 99. Bitches take the last three grilled cheeses in dhall when there's a line of 20 hungry hipsters behind them. They slack during your MB107 meeting. Bitches be bitches.

98. People who call the  RA when my music is too loud but won't just knock on my door and ask me to quiet down!

97. Those kids who keep blasting music in the Spa on Saturday nights. This isn't high school musical, so go find a party and stop raving all over my chicken fingers.

96. The dancing kids from the Spa on Saturday night who keep breaking the speakers.

95. Having to write blog posts on Blackboard for my Art History class.

94. Hipsters who think that their music is better than yours. Put down the beer and step away from my Pandora playlist.

93. My girlfriend won't go down on me if I smoke weed.

92. No one wants to be my boyfriend.

91. Where all the other lesbians hiding?

90. The lube from the Center for Sex and Gender does not do it for me.

89. I have to write a paper.

88. I had to write a paper last week. This week, all of my friends are writing papers, and I have gone close to 14 days without human contact.

87. I always do the reading. Last night I didn't, and the professor called me out. The sweaty beanie-wearer next to me didn't show up to class for a week. Professor said nothing.

86. I'm taking MB107 and I can only imagine this is what the 9th circle of Hell is sort of like.

85. I hate girls in white pants. It's not even summer.

84. My roommate doesn't wear headphones when he watches documentaries.

83. I hate when dDhall puts tomatoes in the grilled cheeses—- so soggy!

82. I hate when skinny hipsters wear sacks that look sexier than my jeans.

81. I called my professor Dad the other day.

80. Only seven people have RSVP'd for my campus event.

79. I'm on call for the whole of  Fun Day.

78. There are dead ladybugs everywhere!

76. My roommate does her dishes at three in the morning.

75. The Skidmore WiFi isn't just slow—it slaughtered my whole family in front of me right before my eyes, chopped off my brother's hand, bent the fingers down so that hand was giving me the middle finger, and then shoved the hand in my face, smearing the blood of my brother across my eyes; now I only see red and have sworn to spend the rest of my life seeking vengeance (*note—the speaker did not actually say any of this. The speaker was just so worked up about the WiFi that this journalist could only assume that this was the back story.)

 

 

 

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