April Horoscopes

By Cara Dempsey, Pulp co-editor  

Aries

 

April will present challenges for you, Aries. At approximately 2 a.m./p.m. on Thursday, April 32, your roommate will start auctioning off your underwear to members of the lacrosse team. Bids will begin at three cents, and you will be disappointed at how little your underwear is actually worth to strangers. Guard your panties.

 

Taurus

 

Now is the time to make the career move that you've been thinking of, Taurus. Put on your best fitting trousers and give your current employer a good look at that middle digit because success is on the horizon. In fact, call the ol' boss up right now. Let them know that the stars are in your outer space basketball court this month, and you sure as shoe-shine don't need their minimum wage anymore! Call me after and let me know how it goes.

 

Gemini

 

Umm, sorry, Gemini, but I'm still not talking to you. Last weekend was, like, seriously uncool and you know it.

 

Cancer

 

I'm so sorry to hear about everything. How are the treatments? Just know that we're all so proud of you for how strong you've been since they diagnosed you. I think things will get better this month. Keep your chin up, buttercup!

 

Leo

 

You're a regular DiCaprio! This is the perfect time to pursue your theatrical dreams. Try out for the school play! If it's too late to try out for the school play, buy a ticket and support the arts! That way, if anyone is kind of crappy, you can write a review so scathing, they'll have to be recast immediately. When that happens, they'll know who to call! (Ghostbusters)

 

Virgo

 

When your professor hands that paper back tomorrow, do yo'self a favor and toss that thing in the trash face down. It's better this way. You don't want no part of that shit.

 

Scorpio

 

Just so you know, Scorpio, I heard what happened with Gemini this weekend, so there isn't any point in making small talk. We're done. Fuggedaboutit.

 

Sagittarius

 

You're going to have a great weekend beginning on Friday the 10th. In fact, it might be a little too great. You're not going to remember a thing. Allow me to help: you kissed a girl that looked exactly like Bobby in the bathroom while your roommate was doing a strip tease on top of her lofted bed to the tune of the Animaniacs theme song. Everyone loved it. Campo came, and your Res Life meeting will be on the following Tuesday morning.

 

Capricorn

 

Hey, Capricorn, did you know that the Center for Sex and Gender is located on the third floor of case and sells pregnancy tests for way cheaper than CVS? Seriously! It's only, like, 3 dollars! Why am I doing what? Oh, no reason.

 

Aquarius

 

Damn, is that you? You look pretty good right this month. Aquarius could get it.

 

Pisces

 

It's time to reconnect with family this month, Pisces. Go find your mother. Oh, also, I think that you're finally old enough to know that you're adopted.

 

Libra

 

Libra, now is the time to dance and love. Be your own queen bee. This month may very well be your life's peak. Enjoy it!

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