By Cara Dempsey, Pulp Co-Editor
Your First Fun Day Survival Guide:
What to bring:
- Snow boots. Just in case.
- A bottle of non-specific looking liquid.
- Ladies: crop top.
- Gentleman: yourselves.
- Towels/ lawn chairs
Greetings, Freshpeople and transfer students! You're about to embark on your first Fun Day escapade. As Mr. Krabbs once said, you're in for some "DEBAUCHERY!" Still, you want to be safe and not throw up at that cute guy from Spanish class's shoes. With that in mind, here are a few rules that you should follow:
RULE #1: WAKE-UP
Good morning, Sunshine! The Earth says, "SHOTS!" Get up and ready nice and early so you'll get a full day of fun.
RULE # 2: BREAKFAST
Eat. Please. Please eat a bagel. Eat two bagels. In all likelihood, you're about to do some awful things to the lining of your stomach. I know because I'm a doctor and I'm prescribing you one large, carb-filled breakfast to start your day. No worries. You'll still look adorable in your booty shorts, and Billy will totes still take you to the prom after.
RULE #3: ATTIRE
Fun Day actually originally comes from the German holiday Du bist Ein Idiot. As such, you should honor the German roots of this day of celebration by dressing in the traditional garb of their people: crop tops, booty shorts, sundresses, sandals, flannel, face glitter, body glitter, booty glitter, booby glitter, etc. That said, it's supposed to be a little chilly, so make sure you cover that in a jacket.
RULE # 4: DRANKS
dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks, dranks
RULE # 5: CAMPUS SAFETY
This is not Monopoly and you do not have a get out of jail free card. You have no invisible force field around your bong. Put it away. Put your can of beer away. Put your obviously vomiting friend away (or make sure he/she has the proper medical assistance, then put your friend away). Campus Safety officers on Fun Day are like bees; they won't bother you if you don't bother them.
Don't be a jerk-o.
RULE #6: DRUNK TEXTING
Did you ever have a best friend so bestest that the two of you spoke in your own secret code? Well, on Fun Day, you might feel that way about everyone on your contact list, but that doesn't mean they think the same about you. You're incoherent drunk pig Latin is indecipherable, and booty calls shouldn't be sent out into the universe before midafternoon. Friends don't let friends dial drunk.
RULE #7: BOUNCY CASTLE
Please try not to break anything.
RULE #8: FUN NIGHT
Regardless of whether you end in up in your bed, someone else's bed, or a friend's couch in Northwoods, get cozy fall asleep drunk with your jeans still on and dream satisfied dreams of your super fun Fun Day.