Skidmore Classifieds

thumbnail (1) By: Nicole Smith, 16', Pulp Editor

WANTED: Spider Killer Duties Include: obliterating any and all insects that traipse through the house like they own the place. Skills required: sharp hearing and fast at running in order to arrive and murder spiders the instant my screams are heard. The bounty of each spider will be $100. If interested in the position please email, i-hate-Spiders-alot-for-realz@hotmail.com to set up an interview.

FOR SALE: Bottomless chocolate Box Bottomless chocolate box made from mahogany wood, in good condition. Produces all kinds of chocolate including but not limited to: dark chocolate, white chocolate, raspberry filled, caramel filled, and chocolate covered strawberries and cherries.Three years still remain on the warranty. The price is approximately $10,000 but open to negotiations. If interested please call 666-666-6666.

FOR SALE: Unwanted House Guest This person will eat your food, sleep on your couch, and stink up your bathroom. Half of the day they spend binge-watching Netflix with your account password and the rest of the day sleeping. Caution! Do not attempt asking the guest to do any physical activity, they will get irritable and may explode into a crazy, wild fit. The guest does not play well with other houseguests, however, he is potty-trained. The price is set at $.01. If interested please call 123-456-7890.

NEEDED: Bike Peddler Duties include: being available all the time to peddle my bike to wherever I want to go. Skills required: must be in peak physical condition and a good listener in order to hear about all of my problems with my roommates and my series of boyfriends. Hourly pay is $8 an hour, with a special $500 bonus at the end of the week if my problems are solved. Please email me at, I-really-am-not-a-drama-queen@aol.com if interested in the position.

NEEDED: Gold Fish Sitter Duties include: devoting a minimum of 7 hours a day to Goldie, ensuring her happiness by making sure she is entertained at all time, keeping Goldie healthy by giving her a well-balanced diet and making sure she gets one hour of cardio a day. Her favorite foods are gold fish and filet mignon. Experience required: at least two years experience baby-sitting gold fish. Hourly pay rate is $278.34 an hour; any mistakes made will come directly from paycheck. If interested, please contact me on the bench on the corner of Broadway and Main St. between the hours of 1:34 and 1:36 on Mondays.

WANTED: Personal Assistant to Cat lady Duties include: Feeding, bathing, and putting the cat lady to bed, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, and feeding, bathing and grooming her 162 cats. All cat’s names and faces must me memorized by the end of the first day. Each cat is special and unique and has different dietary needs and interests, which must be attended to at all times. No experience required. Hourly pay is $1, but can be as high as $500 dollars. If interested please come to 24 Hermit Way, I am always there… I never leave.

NEEDED: COFFEE Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, COFFEE, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, COFFEE, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, COFFEE, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee, Coffee. PLEASE! Give me any kind of coffee, all coffee. I will pay anything! Find me in the library, at all hours of the night if interested.

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