Last week, VOX: Voices for Planned Parenthood announced their club’s new campaign: Protect Your Heart. “Dental dams, female condoms, flavored lube… but what about the kids’ hearts?!” quoth the Glotzbach at Skidmore’s Annual Presidential Address. In response to President Glotzbach’s concerns, VOX leapt into action to devise their new campaign.
“Students have great access to contraceptives on campus. I mean, have you seen our Free Condom Friday set-up? But, we worry they are leaving their hearts exposed,” Vox’s club president chimed in.
Studies have shown that millennials engage in a dangerous hook up culture (The Onion, CosmoGirl.com, Wikipedia). Twenty-something-year-olds often have sex with friends, or what they more lovingly refer to as ‘friends with benefits.’ However, those daredevils still choosing to engage in cold, hard relationships are leaving themselves vulnerable to feelings of attachment or, in a growing number of cases, breakup. According to Yik Yak, this development is known as ‘Catching the Feels.’
In an interview yesterday, the Director of the Center for Sex and Gender Relations spoke to the Skidmore News about the dangers inadequate heart protection poses to students.
“They go out on a Friday night, have a few drinks, sometimes they run into somebody new at a party… Then they go home with this person and soon enough, they’re seeing each other more and more, cuddling after sex—one student even told me she let her partner share her toothbrush. I tell you, it’s a slippery slope.”
Students have disregarded this behavior as just that of glorified fuck buddies, but expert nurses at Jonsson Tower’s Health Services have attested to the many risks of a budding relationship. They recommend students spend at least 6 hours per day lying in their (own) beds, watching Netflix (by themselves) to prevent exposure. They’ve also been inexplicably giving students cotton swabs and each a single packet of decongestants, telling them to “come back in a few days if they don’t improve.”
VOX will be running a poster campaign that features CDC statistics on the risk of feels and the threats they pose to the heart.
“It’s just not like what you see in the movies…” sighed a disillusioned Skidmore student who was reportedly misled by Love Actually, and every character Katherine Heigl has ever played.