Donald Trump Takes On Skidmore Issues
Recently, senior Pulp co-editor Cara Dempsey had the privilege of interviewing the Republican Party’s most controversial candidate about some of the Skidmore issues that have consistently been mentioned during his recent presidential campaign.
Cara: Mr. Trump, you've recently been criticized for some of the harsh words that you've directed towards the chicken breasts in d-hall throughout your campaign. I don't mean to beat a dead horse here, but that seems like a good place for me to start. What do you have to say in response to this criticism?
Trump: Awl I have to say is that I love the breasts. I've always loved the breasts. They're beautiful breasts. That's awl I have to say.
Fair enough. I'd like to hear more of your thoughts on chicken finger Friday. As I'm sure we're all aware, early on in your campaign, you became one of the Republican Party's most vocal advocates for increasing the protection near the card swipe machines at d-hall on chicken finger Fridays to prevent illegal finger smuggling out of the dining hall. This has angered some and clearly won over many others. What plans are you actually prepared to put into place should you become president?
First of awl, let me say this before I say anything, first; I was the first to talk about the chicken fingers. We've got all kinds of people sneaking in, bringing chicken out. This school is losing all its good chicken because the president and the SGA are too stupid. These chicken guys they know how stupid we- listen, we are losing our chicken fingers to off-campus seniors, to stoners, day-drinkers, to townies, to China. We need to protect our chicken.
Mr. Trump, your thoughts on this are very clear. However, your policies have been a little vaguer. Can you tell us a little bit more about how you plan to protect the card swipe machines?
We're gonna build a wall.
A wall? Like, a physical wall?
It worked for China. We could learn a lot from the Chinese.
For China? You're referring to the Great Wall of China? That's the model you choose to explain how to better control the border between the dining hall in the Atrium?
Yes. We're gonna build a wall.
Mr. Trump, some of your critics have complained that the cost of some of your proposed plans are so astronomically large and unrealistic that they could never actually be carried out. What do you have to say about that in regards to the chicken fingers?
We need a wall. That's awl I can say.
Alright. Moving on, I'd like to ask about your feelings on effective consent. In the past, you've dismissed it pretty callously. This has become one of the most serious issues talked about on college campuses today. Culturally, this has moved past being considered merely a "woman's issue". Incidents of sexual assault and sexual misconduct hinder higher learning for all people. Furthermore, this is not just a Skidmore issue. The processes by which accused students are dealt with at the college level have been criticized and protested at institutions all across the country. What can you say to students about this issue?
What the hell is an effective consent?
I have honestly never heard about that in my time as a world-class businessman.
Mr. Trump, effective consent refers to consent given during a sexual act that is given explicitly, with actual verbal confirmation- not merely implied or given under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
I find that all women flirt with me, either consciously or unconsciously.