Political Debate for Dummies
If you had little knowledge of politics in the past, most people just recommended avoiding the subject--at least until you learned more. Recently, however, the world has seen an uptick in the mantra “ignorance is power.” The less experience you have, the more qualified you are for government positions. Americans, as well as people around the world, have increasingly elected state leaders based on whether they seem like the kind of person you’d like to go to the closest bar and pound a couple beers with. It’s okay not to be an expert on politics, though. If you consider yourself one of these people, there are some things you need to know to prepare yourself to bs any argument or debate.
1. Speak loudly! Speaking loudly, even screaming when the situation calls for it, is scientifically proven to evince confidence and expertise. Everyone values their personal space--INVADE IT! Speak so loudly that your opponent physically must back away from you. Make your opponent regret never establishing a safe space wherever they go!
2. Interrupt whomever you’re debating against. This one is a little tough because it requires some deft touch. Interrupt too little and you seem foolish and accomplish nothing. Interrupt too much, and much of the country will hate you; by an unexpected twist, however, you’ll be elected President. Now, not many people may know about this technique when it comes to interrupting during a debate, but if you forcefully and repetitively negate 95% of your opponent’s statements, you simply cannot lose. Try using a simple word, like “WRONG.” Simple and short is best because it can be repeated quickly and aggressively, leaving your debate-opponent frustrated and with no way out.
3. Popular stereotypes are essential. Never mind the long-term consequences of making gross generalizations. Pick a stereotype that you know you can support in some way and just repeat it. Live it, breath it, dream it, then repeat it more! America is a country of immigrants for example. ATTACK THEM! At one point or another, a small minority of immigrants or foreigners have proved problematic for the United States, so blow that out of proportion. In fact, scream repeatedly about how threatening these apparently vicious heathens are. Within minutes, your opponent will be too weakened by your incredibly loud and repetitive arguments to even consider refuting you.
4. Finally, remember that nobody is perfect. It will take you time to find your swagger and get good at bs-ing any type of argument. These tips may not get you into a high political position immediately, but persevere. Just because something isn’t great now, does not mean it cannot be great again.
Produced for our April 1 special edition