Nunes Arrested for Torching Intelligence on the South Lawn; Bail Paid by Exxon Mobil

Nunes Arrested for Torching Intelligence on the South Lawn; Bail Paid by Exxon Mobil

Last night, Devin Nunes, the Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, was arrested on the White House lawn. After noticing a fire near the South Gate, Secret Service went to investigate further. Nunes, who is heading an investigation into Trump’s contacts with Russia, was found next to the fire, incoherently screaming about “emails,” “Benghazi,” and “crooked Hillary.”

The Washington Post reported that some of the charred documents seem to be about communication between Steven Bannon and Russian cyber-intelligence. The Post also cited an anonymous White House source who said that Nunes took about 100 pounds of classified material from the Situation Room twenty minutes before the incident. Based on eyewitness statements, Nunes piled the documents on the lawn, got a 5 gallon gas container from his car, lugged it back to the stack of paper, drenched the stack, lit it on fire, and started ranting about Hillary Clinton.

Speaking from the D.C. county jail, Nunes asserted that he was acting in the interests of the American people. Donald Trump says he was hosting a screening of “Finding Dory” and was unaware of Nunes’ presence at the White House. Sean Spicer, the White House Press Secretary, initially claimed President Trump had been notified of Nunes’ presence, but now denies having said that.  

Nunes explains, “While the fake news would have you think that I just committed high treason, I was really protecting the people. That whole fire thing was just a little incidental damage. What the press should really be talking about is Benghazi.”

Nunes, whose bail was paid by Exxon Mobil earlier this morning, was last seen throwing intelligence briefings at passersby and repeating the word “emails” like a broken record.

 

Produced for our April 1 special edition.

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