Hilary Clinton Takes on Skidmore Issues (A Pulp Creation)

Hilary Clinton Takes on Skidmore Issues (A Pulp Creation)

Recently, senior Pulp co-editor Cara Dempsey had the privilege of sitting down with one of the Democratic Party's presidential frontrunners, and asking her about some of Skidmore's most serious issues.

 

Cara: Ms. Clinton, it's such a pleasure to meet you. I'm thrilled to finally have a chance to talk to you about some of the issues that are truly important to the students on this campus.

Clinton: It's a pleasure to be here.

First off, I'd like to ask you how you feel about the popularity that Senator Sander's campaign has been gaining online. Do you feel that it's more to do with the way the social media has affected presidential campaigning, or because he genuinely connects with the youth more?

Frankly I believe that it's the former. I think that after we take some time chatting today, you'll find that I have more comprehensive plans to deal with things that really matter to your generation: college affordability, strengthening the job market, shrinking the equality gap.

Great! Let's get started! If it's alright by you, I'd like to ask about your emails.

Emails? I'm not going to talk about the emails. Let's take a look at your emails! Let's take a look at every sext you college kids have sent over the last 6 days and then talk about them for another six months!

I apologize; you're right. The emails aren't what we're here to talk about tonight. We're here to talk about the issues affecting the students on this campus.

That said, would you be willing to talk about your Facebook cover photo?

No.

What about your tweets from last Saturday night? Were you in fact "sauced" at the time?

No.

You're claiming that you were not sauced?

No. I mean that I don't want to talk about the tweets.

Are you willing to address your Tinder profile? Previously you've claimed that you made it "just as a joke," but some aren't convinced. What are your intentions?

I'm not going to address that at this time.

How about the texts that you allegedly sent the president after 2:00 am? Who else do you typically text at that hour? The people want to know.

This is a little ridiculous. I'm not here to talk about this kind of nonsense. I have the most comprehensive fiscal plans of any of the Democratic candidates. Don't any of you care about the world that you're about to graduate into?

Secretary, with all due respect, has it occurred to you that your unwillingness to address the things that college students truly care about is why Senator Sanders has been getting so dangerously close to you in the polls? You've got to throw us a bone here.

Fine.  

Are you willing to talk about your Snap Chat story?

Briefly, I will.

It appears that you were at brunch at the time— is this true?

Yes, it was taken while I was at brunch.

Was this while you were in Saratoga?

Yes.

It sounds like someone in the video was saying "bottomless mimosas, baby". Can you confirm this?

No. I cannot. I just want to talk about the issues that are pressing to the students on this campus.

I apologize, Secretary, but I think we're misunderstanding each other...

 

 

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