Skidmore Track Team Suspended from Postseason Competition

Posted by Katherine Peverada

This article was written for April Fools and the events described in it did not actually take place

Rumors have been circulating for a few weeks now that some members of Skidmore's track and field team are using performance-enhancing drugs, and on Tuesday the commissioner of the UAAA finally took action, suspending Manny Kinn '14, April Schauer '16 and Will Power '16.

The suspensions will have the greatest effect on the women's team, as Schauer's suspension shatters any hope of grabbing the league title. Schauer is the top performer in the Liberty League in the 100m (13.02), 200m (25.73) and is the fourth-best performer in the 400m (1:06.25). Schauer also runs all four legs of the 4x100m relay, as she is the only member of the women's track team.

Kinn and Power are just two of fifty members of the men's team, but their suspensions will also be detrimental to their title hopes. Power, a throw-specialist, leads the league in the shot put (30'6.75") and discus throw (95'1.69"). Kinn, though only in his first year on the team, has found great success in the distance events, running a 4:15.75 1,500m and a 15:59.23 5,000m.

Rumors started to swirl just before spring break when an unnamed source sent an anonymous letter to an unnamed person on campus that said, though they were unwilling to name the athletes, that they were in fact using PEDs.

The letter was then forwarded to the athletic department's investigative unit, who quickly sprung in to action.

"Well we knew that the orchestra had a history of PED usage, so we granted them immunity for their next performance in return for giving us the name of the athletes they had been in contact with" said Jerry Atrick, head investigator.

Once Atrick had the names, the officials immediately tracked down the students and submitted them to testing.

"I was taking a shower and I heard a pounding on my door, next thing I knew I was being hauled down to the gym" Schauer said of her process.

Kinn and Power could not be reached for comment, but Schauer said that Power had been at a Weight Watchers meeting and Kinn had been at his job at Saratoga Sun Dress, dressing the manikins, when they were summoned.

"Honestly, I'm not really upset about it all" Schauer said, "I was only using them because my team was counting on me and I am my team."

Atrick, who is scheduled to retire at the end of the semester, was excited at getting one final bust.

"I've worked my whole life trying to catch people who cheat the system. I finally got some real athletes."

Get ready to do your home-twerk

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