Posted by Andrew Shi
Following a spate of poor national rankings that presages poorly for Skidmore College, The Wall Street Journal just released their annual survey "Schools with Transforming Infections" (STIs), a list of colleges with the worst zombie outbreaks, and ranked Skidmore at No.2 behind BYU. This score follows Skidmore's recent rankings as No.1 on the Princeton Review's "Reefer Madness" list and No. 10 on Cosmopolitan's "Working the Ratio" part of which ranks colleges based on how difficult it is to find a single lad.
But Professor Linda Grimes of the Gender Studies Department says that Cosmopolitan's recent ranking doesn't say much else that couldn't be extrapolated from the other two surveys. "Based on my research, a woman simply does not desire the undead as a partner, but with the living male population at Skidmore rapidly decreasing, the pickings are even slimmer than usual. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that it's already difficult at times to distinguish between zombies and pot-heads, and with about 100 percent of the remaining male student body using marijuana, give or take nothing, girls are becoming extra wary about who they flirt with lest that male lethargic lump that smells like skunk is an undead lethargic lump that still smells like skunk. And compounding the problem at hand is that the zombies are now smoking pot too, making it even harder to differentiate the two groups as they basically share behavioral patterns."
Dr. Edward Jenner, a virologist at the CDC, says that Skidmore's case is especially acute due to the exposure of marijuana to zombies. "It's a vicious cycle. The zombies smoke the marijuana which releases the active ingredient, tetrahydrocannabinol, a stimulator of the canniboid receptor, CB1,a part of the hippocampus that regulates appetite. Basically the zombies get the munchies, start chomping away at the living and in the process infecting them, which just creates more zombies who then get high and, well, you can see where I'm going with this."
Women are not the only demographic upset with the zombie epidemic that is cutting down the number of available men. The outbreak of zombies on the Skidmore campus has induced several students to take it upon themselves to form a small brigade that call themselves "The Resistance." But these armed students have in turn raised eyebrows and come under the scrutiny of several different campus groups.
"A bunch of students running around with guns and grenades...yeah, it's distracting," Samuel Miller '16 said. "It's hard to concentrate on class which the kid next to me is constantly tapping the trigger."
The Resistance came under further criticism when it was revealed that their munitions had little effect on the zombies.
"We were told that they were effective against zombies, but when we fired at them the Nerf bullets just bounced off. I tossed a sock grenade at an oncoming horde, but it was a dud," Marissa Holdman' 17 said. "I know many other members are having the same issue."
Meanwhile, another group of students, upset with The Resistance's actions and the negative perception of the zombies, have formed a coalition designed to ensure the fair treatment and rights of the minority group. Their de facto leader, Kelly Michaels '14, has demanded that the administration recognize and sign a bill that compensates the zombies for their discriminatory mistreatment at the hands of The Resistance and promises equity in the future.
"This isn't the twentieth century, and this isn't Alabama, we respect all people regardless of the beat of their heart," Michaels said in a recent speech to her supporters.
In an interview last week with President Philip Glotzbach, the question was raised asking how he would address not only zombie rights, but the lack of available men for the female student body and the endemic abuse of weed. Glotzbach did not directly answer the question, but could be heard muttering under his breath "WTF." A moment later he assured all three issues were a top priority of the administration.
But clearly action did not arrive soon enough as the recent faculty meeting was interrupted by approximately forty students with sundry demands. Among the cries from the students were demands for respect for the zombies, for "The Resistance" to be banned and for boyfriends to be included in the student bill of rights. One student asked for a gram.
In an email sent out last night, Dean of Student Affairs Rochelle Calhoun set up a time for a dialogue in which any and all issues would be addressed.
"The College takes very seriously the abuse that the zombies have experienced at the hands of our very own students and the lack of available men, partially caused by the burgeoning zombie populace. It's a difficult balance to strike but we have complete faith in the agency of our community," the email read.
When asked if she thought the dialogue would achieve anything, Junior Leslie Simpson said, "I really don't care about marijuana or zombie rights or Nerf guns. I just want a boyfriend. It's just all so ridiculous."