Posted by Julia Martin
The first couple of weeks of college can be hard. Here's an easy-to-use guide for first-year students that will help you overcome any communication problems you may be having with your peers, professors or family.
Your new roommate: Hey, no problem! I'm happy to take the top bunk!
Translation: Starting today I will begin to develop a fiery resentment towards you that will stay tightly bottled up inside of me until the day I pee in your Gatorade.
Your mother/father: Are you settled in ok?
Translation: I believe you are entirely incapable of eating, sleeping or functioning as a successful, independent human being. Also we turned your room into a gym and gave away a lot of your things.
The guy/girl down your hall: Are you guys trying to get drunk tonight?
Translation: Do you have any alcohol with which I can get drunk tonight?
Campus Safety Officer: Having knowledge of the fire safety practices is absolutely crucial.
Translation: It is virtually incomprehensible how or why it is so difficult for a group of people to successfully microwave a bag of popcorn.
Your suitemate: Gross, I think someone peed in the shower.
Translation: I peed in the shower and will continue to do so.