A Chapter in which Two Colleagues Reaffirm that Mechsuits are Much Better than Work Parties

The hall opened inward, a vast iron and glass space polished with precision and filled with grey chairs, tables draped in white table cloth. I sighed and switched my weight to my right foot, bracing myself to step into the mire of office party conversation. And I probably should have worn flats, I bemoaned silently. Heels make walking so difficult.“Maya!” I turned at the sound of my name, posture relaxing as Daniel approached, limping slightly in his new shoes. “Daniel, I’m so glad you’re here. I need help with people’s names." I whispered, grimacing as an expressly average lady sauntered over, waving. His eyes swung around the room, taking stock of the clumps of milling people. “I’ll make a deal with you- I’ll feed you names if you get the drinks.” “Fine, yes. You have a deal.  I made a face return and went in search of some champagne. At least we were in this together. Daniel joined the Cygnus Labs family shortly after my promotion to division laboratory manager. It took a few months for us to hold a conversation lasting more than four sentences, but once it happened we had no trouble finding things to talk about. Time heals most awkwardness, I suppose.

The controlled tap of a champagne flute brought my attention to the projection wall emblazoned with newscasts, clipped voices ringing off the glass walls. “It was confirmed today by the head of Cygnus Laboratories that two scientists, Maya Derosier and Daniel Grayson have successfully found and extracted the root of consciousness….” I felt every eye in the hushed room swivel towards me as the broadcast was silenced and the CEO began to speak. “Welcome, all. We’re here to celebrate the achievements of two of Cygnus’ brightest minds, Daniel Grayson and Maya Desrosier. Join me in congratulating their strives toward a more self-aware future.” He raised a toast to signal the end of his brief involvement in the affair. The keypad flashed as I entered my code, and with a pneumatic wheeze the doors parted. I lunged for my boots to free my feet from their shiny constraints. A metal shop is no place for heels. Catching my attention, Daniel pulled one leg of his black trousers above the top of his dress shoe to reveal photorealistic Sprite socks, which made his legs look like cans. I busted out laughing and he cocked an eyebrow. "Something funny?" "It kinda looks like you have can ankles." "Well...yeah. I guess I do." He chuckled for a few seconds, then staring at the floor, began to untie his shoes pensively. Steeling some nerve, he looked up at me. “Jerry from accounting told me you were building the suit,” he started, and I threw my hands in the air in almost mock indignation. “Well now I have no surprise for you.” Daniel laughed and raised an eyebrow expectantly. “You got excited and told him, didn’t you?” “Well, not exactly. I was on the phone with my mother and he overheard. Anyway, surprise! I built the suit to save some time, but it’s had to undergo a few revisions between blueprint and prototype. We’ll discuss them tomorrow.”

Recently the benefactors had taken to dropping the phrase “the greater good” in their emails, but their greater good was a glaucous, silver edged, multi-plated metal alloy exoskeleton, equipped with limited food, water and ammo storage, 8 in armor M202 rounds, a poly-weapon spinal holster, and an internal consciousness port. Mine was closer to walks in the forest and socialized medicine, but both Daniel and I were contracted employees. We had no say regarding the ethics of our projects so long as Cygnus was signing our paychecks.

  Daniel took my cue and turned towards the wall. I walked towards the somnolent chassis, standing halved with its front plates retracted to expose the gel innersuit. I tied my hair and pressed my back against the gel. The room echoed of metal joints clashing and fastening as my body was encased. When it had finished, I took a step forward to call Daniel’s name but he was already striding towards me with a radiant smile, changes to the original blueprints already forgotten. “For an androgynous piece of machinery, it’s surprisingly beautiful. OSIRIS will proceed ahead of schedule.”

(Sometimes I Confuse Love and Respect)

Posted by Allison Smith

She outlived three husbands.

She,

Outlived,

Three,

Husbands.

Independent,

Make me dinner,

Make me dinner,

Make me dinner,

 Dependent.

Outlived,

No she was not -

Except in her heart.

Three,

One,

Two,

Three,

Husband,

Husband,

Husband,

- Alone.

It would never be hers.

I wish I was her.

I wish I was her.

I wish I were Her. 

Blurbs Overheard

"The wet spot is fine, just stop talking about it."

"It is shocking how many people are talking to themselves right now."

"Yesterday, I woke up at 2:00, took a 3 hour nap during the day, and fell asleep at 9:00. All I've done today is stand in different parts of my room."

"She socialized a lot yesterday, so she'll be out for a couple of days now."

"I said to myself, 'I need to read 90 pages of this book right now' and then I fell asleep."

"It felt like they were our dog-walkers taking us on a walk."

"They are Skidmore royalty. They are an integral part of my life here."

"All I want is an STD, preferably HIV or Chlamydia; they're the cutest."

Clay

Posted by Allison Smith

Please mold her.

She wants it.

You can build her up into anything you want.

Touch, knead, and play with her using your hands. She will warm up quickly. I dare you to explore how many shapes she can make.

Encourage her to have more of a purpose than a lump of clay already has.

It won't put up a fight.

A Good Time

Posted by Allison Smith Kitty is at a wedding. "Loosen up," Kitty's mom says while handing her a beer. She leaves Kitty standing alone, swaying back and forth on high heels. Kitty looks around, making awkward eye contact with strangers, as she stays perched in place. Kitty's drunken aunt wobbles over. Her aunt left no pause for Kitty to open her carefully painted red lips that perfectly matched shoes her mom bought her. "What are you doing tomorrow?" Kitty does not attempt to answer. "Well, tell your mom I am taking you out," Kitty's aunt throws her dead arm around her bare shoulders. "I'm taking you out for a good time." Kitty uncomfortably smiles with her mouth closed so no one can see her newly whitened teeth. "I am going to show you a good time." Kitty's aunt assures her. Kitty's uncle comes to pulls his tumbling second wife off of his petrified niece. "Honey, we are going to have a fucking good time." She loudly hisses in his ear. Emphasizing each word. This isn't the first wedding where his second wife has made the transformation from wearing a tight bun and sweater set to hair down and shirt un-tucked. Kitty's uncle escorts his second wife out off the hotel's reception hall. Kitty stares down at the beer she is holding with both hands. Her fingernails that were painted pink to match her strapless dress, tap against the glass. The man in charge of the music dances around in sunglasses while holding a purple plastic saxophone. "Twist!" He shouts. Kitty's cousin suddenly pulls her arm, and her beer almost spills. Kitty's cousin drags her forward, causing her to trip over her toes. Kitty's cousin tells her to quickly finish her drink so that they can go dance. Kitty watches him dance backwards away from her. He moves his hips back and forth and hangs his tongue out of his mouth. Kitty opens her eyes wide. Kitty bites the edge of her beer glass and pretends to drink. Kitty's red lipstick leaves her mark on the glass. Kitty's cousin comes back over, assuring her that she must be done by now. He finishes it for her then pushes her from behind onto the dance floor. Kitty stands in place, careful not to fall over, as her cousin dances around her. Kitty moves her hips quickly back and forth like she sees a few other people doing. Kitty's dress shakes, sways and wraps itself around her legs. Other girls look better than Kitty while dancing in their dresses that hug their legs closed together. A slow song starts to play and Kitty starts to move off the dance floor. Kitty's cousin stands in front of Kitty and puts his arms around Kitty's waist. He traps Kitty and forces Kitty to sway with him. Kitty keeps Kitty's head as far away from his body as possible.

Get ready to do your home-twerk

Posted by Rebecca Shesser

Following on the heels of the Skidmore sociology course titled "The Sociology of Miley Cyrus: Race, Class, Gender, and Media" which made national news this week, the professors of the Skidmore dance department have announced their intentions to offer a Miley-themed class of their own. Twerking 101 will be "an integrated study of the techniques, themes, physics, and practices of twerking," and will be offered this upcoming fall as a dance 2-credit elective.

An anonymous dance department representative expressed sheer joy stemming from the realization that such a class is finally making its way into Skidmore's curriculum; "Twerking has always been such an integral style of dance - the fact that Skidmore has yet to offer such an informative and useful course is just absolutely beyond me."

Dance majors around campus are also expressing their support of the dance department's decision to make a course available to their students.

"I'm really excited about the course - I think having such a course on my transcript will make me an incredibly attractive and well-rounded applicant when it comes to applying and auditioning for companies or graduate programs in the future."

Even non-dance majors are getting hyped for the 2-credit course. Economics major Wren K. Ball '15 said of the course, "I dropped an economics elective in order to make room for Twerking 101 in my schedule - I really just want to stop embarrassing myself and start attracting some attention at Club Mine, you know?"

Even some of the professors are hopping on the Twerking 101 bandwagon. An unnamed English professor was seen researching how to audit classes with the Twerking 101 description open in multiple browser tabs. When approached for comment, she responded cryptically, "that Robin Thicke guy is newly single, right?"

Anticipating similar media attention as the sociology summer course, the dance department stands by its decision to offer the course noting, "We're trying to offer our students the best educational experience in order to enrich their knowledge here at Skidmore and if some hoity-toity anchor at Fox News thinks that's wrong, then we certainly do not want to be right."  

This article was written for April Fools Day. The events described within it did not actually take place.

Students Confiscate Stove and Microwave After Apartment Sets off Fire Alarm for Fifth Time this Week

Posted by Julia Leef

This article was written for April Fools and the events described in it did not actually take place

In a shocking show of activism, students this week broke into a Sussman apartment to physically disconnect and remove the kitchen stove and microwave of the four residents who, earlier that week, had accidentally set off the fire alarm five times at various points in the day.

Campus Safety received the first alarm at 12:31 a.m. on Wednesday, March 26, which was caused by burnt popcorn. Two more alarms were received from the same apartment during the following day at 6:24 a.m. and 9:54 p.m., caused by excessive steam from a pot and burnt food, respectively. The final two alarms were caused by burnt popcorn at 4:52 a.m. on Saturday, March 29 and 2:35 a.m. on Sunday, March 30.

"There's only so much we could take, you know?" Stacy Kubrik '14, who organized the seizure of the stove with the other residents of the Sussman apartment, said. "I  mean, why the hell do you need to have popcorn at 5 a.m.? That's such a freshman thing to do, how can you go at least three years in college without learning how to not burn popcorn in the microwave?"

"I mean, what would you have done?" Jordan Marcus '15, another concerned resident, said. "I was up late studying for my economics test on Sunday and after I'd finally gotten to sleep all of a sudden the alarm was blaring and I had to go out and stand in the cold for fifteen minutes while Campo looked around in the apartment."

Kubrik, along with two other students, who wished to remain anonymous, rang the doorbell of the offending apartment at approximately 10 p.m. on Monday, March 31. When one of the residents opened the door, Kubrik and the others forced their way into the apartment, followed by six other students who had been hiding around the corner.

They quickly made their way upstairs, where they set to work dismantling and removing the stove and the microwave from their places in the kitchen.

"They didn't even protest all that much," one of the stove liberalists said. "After we started working on the stove they sort of just stood there and stared at us. I think they thought we were some drug-induced hallucination."

Perhaps due to their confusion, the residents of the offending apartment did not call Campus Safety until the stove had been carried away, when the students broke out into a heated debate over how best to get it out the front door.

"For the first few minutes, I wasn't really sure what I was looking at," Lawrence Britt, associate director of Campus Safety, said. "There were students on either side of the door trying to shove the stove through. And then there was another group of students who'd heard them yelling and just came out to watch."

While Britt returned to his car to call for additional officers, the stove liberalists abandoned the project and took to the hills (literally, in some cases, as several students disappeared into the North Woods trails). While the stove had to be abandoned in the doorway, one student made off with the microwave in the direction of Kimball Hall.

Maintenance was called to remove the stove from the doorway and re-install it, as well as to order a replacement microwave. At the time of this article, the request is on maintenance's queue and will be addressed as soon as possible, according to a representative.

"I really don't think it was all our fault," David Dumont '14, a resident of the offending apartment, said. "I mean, these detectors are way sensitive. I had a friend who was taking a shower, and just the steam managed to set it off. It's ridiculous."

Aside from being socially ostracized and unable to enjoy hot meals for the foreseeable future, the residents of the offending apartment sustained no damage from the event.

Miley Cyrus Course Sets off Inter-Departmental Class Warfare

Posted by Andrew Shi

The offering of "The Sociology of Miley Cyrus: Race, Class, Gender and Media," by the Sociology Department for the summer has made national news and attracted the attention of Skidmore students.

According to the Registrar, the class has already filled up and the Sociology Department is planning on creating a second section to accommodate students currently on the waiting list.

For anonymous commenters of nationally syndicated articles published about the class, the course raises questions about the value of a liberal arts education and the priorities of the students; however, a much more sinister implication of the course has only just become apparent.

Yesterday, the History Department revealed that they would be offering "Shakira: Race, Class, and Gender in Latin America" this summer. This follows an announcement by the Biology department that they, too, were adding another course to their summer list: "The Walking Dead: Biology of Viruses," which will explore the structure, genetics and pathogenesis of viruses and the scientific accuracy of the ability for viruses to turn humans into the undead.

A Government Professor, who chose to remain anonymous for an interview, disclosed the impetus for the sudden proliferation in culturally themed classes.

"They're popular, of course, and if they're popular, more students will take them, and the more students a department teaches, the more funds are allocated to their budget. The pie is fixed and the departments are trying to draw as many students to their classes as possible; it's essentially class warfare."

The anonymous Government professor revealed that later this week the department would be announcing a new class for the summer as well: Bill Clinton and other presidential sex scandals: The United States Presidency. The course will look into the extra-marital relations of U.S presidents including Thomas Jefferson and John F. Kennedy.

Skidmore College to Get Rid of Podium Equipment in Classrooms

Posted by Daniel Graugnard

This article was written for April Fools and the events described in it did not actually take place

Say good bye to all of the menacing electronic equipment installed in classrooms. The College has finally recognized that the podiums are too much of a hassle during hours of operation, and many professors have no idea how to begin with any of it.

The podiums and computers inside classrooms have been the bane of existence for many professors and students alike. Class time comes to a huge pause when anyone attempts to solve the laborious puzzle of trying to play a DVD from the podiums. You're in bigger trouble if the podium has no DVD player, which means it must be played from the computer or worse, the VCR.

Media Services gets many calls about computers and podiums not working or unresponsive. Hours a day are spent trying to figure out Java, media player, or internet explorer. The College said "screw it" and plans on getting rid of all the equipment by Fall 2014.

The action will eventually save us all the time, effort, energy, and patience, bringing the end of the technological nightmare. No more spending hours trying to play films in language classes. No more students crying over presentations that went to hell when Powerpoint decided not open a file. Clearly, the solution is to just get rid of it all.

Skidmore Track Team Suspended from Postseason Competition

Posted by Katherine Peverada

This article was written for April Fools and the events described in it did not actually take place

Rumors have been circulating for a few weeks now that some members of Skidmore's track and field team are using performance-enhancing drugs, and on Tuesday the commissioner of the UAAA finally took action, suspending Manny Kinn '14, April Schauer '16 and Will Power '16.

The suspensions will have the greatest effect on the women's team, as Schauer's suspension shatters any hope of grabbing the league title. Schauer is the top performer in the Liberty League in the 100m (13.02), 200m (25.73) and is the fourth-best performer in the 400m (1:06.25). Schauer also runs all four legs of the 4x100m relay, as she is the only member of the women's track team.

Kinn and Power are just two of fifty members of the men's team, but their suspensions will also be detrimental to their title hopes. Power, a throw-specialist, leads the league in the shot put (30'6.75") and discus throw (95'1.69"). Kinn, though only in his first year on the team, has found great success in the distance events, running a 4:15.75 1,500m and a 15:59.23 5,000m.

Rumors started to swirl just before spring break when an unnamed source sent an anonymous letter to an unnamed person on campus that said, though they were unwilling to name the athletes, that they were in fact using PEDs.

The letter was then forwarded to the athletic department's investigative unit, who quickly sprung in to action.

"Well we knew that the orchestra had a history of PED usage, so we granted them immunity for their next performance in return for giving us the name of the athletes they had been in contact with" said Jerry Atrick, head investigator.

Once Atrick had the names, the officials immediately tracked down the students and submitted them to testing.

"I was taking a shower and I heard a pounding on my door, next thing I knew I was being hauled down to the gym" Schauer said of her process.

Kinn and Power could not be reached for comment, but Schauer said that Power had been at a Weight Watchers meeting and Kinn had been at his job at Saratoga Sun Dress, dressing the manikins, when they were summoned.

"Honestly, I'm not really upset about it all" Schauer said, "I was only using them because my team was counting on me and I am my team."

Atrick, who is scheduled to retire at the end of the semester, was excited at getting one final bust.

"I've worked my whole life trying to catch people who cheat the system. I finally got some real athletes."

College Adds New Core Requirement

Posted by Andrew Shi

As part of an ongoing reassessment of the College's core requirements, the administration earlier this week announced that incoming freshman will be required to take a one-credit course in addition to their  seminar. The course will meet once a week and will be run by peer mentors with oversight from seminar professors.

"How to Make a Bag of Popcorn," will survey the mechanics and science behind popping popcorn. Topics will include "what makes those kernels pop," "where on the bag it says for how long to microwave for," and "how to just wait three minutes and thirty seconds to make sure your bag of popcorn doesn't start smoking and cause a fire drill at 3:30 in the morning on a Wednesday night in the middle of February when I have a test the next day."

Professor Jacobs of the History Department, who chairs the curriculum committee that recommended the class to the administration, says that he and his fellow committee members believed no student should graduate without a bit of common sense.

"Although this sort of vocational training is uncharacteristic of a liberal arts school, we on the committee believe the skills that will be learned in this course are imperative to the success of Skidmore's students."

The course, however, was not the idea of anyone on the committee but rather proposed by Campus Safety to the committee.

When asked what was the impetus for their course proposal, Peter Linus of Campus Safety said, "the fire department is getting pissed."

"How to Make a Bag of Popcorn" will be brought into effect with the incoming class of 2018.

The Sociology of Miley Cyrus

Posted by Jesse Shayne

This article was written for April Fools and the events described in it did not actually take place

After spending numerous semesters at the top of Princeton Review's Reefer Madness list, the Skidmore administration recently decided to hire a new Public Relations firm to try and rebrand the College's image.   

President Philip A. Glotzbach, at a recent Community Coffee Hour, offered his take on the matter to passer-bys (namely the five upperclassmen capable of waking up for an 8:30  a.m. breakfast).

"How can we distract the media from the rampant drug use on this campus?" Glotzbach reportedly asked those in the audience.  

And the response, as the media has been sure to highlight, was to introduce a course so bizarrely obscure and removed from the core values of the College that it would be sure to distract those who still linger on the days of the notorious Octobong that propelled Skidmore to Reefer greatness.     

Indeed, in case you are the only person in America with internet access who has not heard of the summer course offering that has been abuzz all over the web, this summer Skidmore will offer a course entitled "The Sociology of Miley Cyrus: Race, Class, Gender and Media."          

"So far it's working great," said a ranking member of the administration who asked to remain anonymous. "We're no longer that pothead Saratoga school. We're the Miley Cyrus school now."      

For a college with a student body that prides itself on being far removed from mainstream culture, the decision to offer this class might come as a shock to some.   

While Professor Carolyn Chernoff, a visiting assistant professor of Sociology who will conduct the course, asserts that Miley Cyrus is simply a lens through which students can explore themes about race, gender and identity in the media, some students aren't so sure.   

In response to the announcement of the course, members of Skidmore's Student Entertainment Club have started a picketing campaign to have the course removed from the registrar's website and replaced with a course entitled "The Sociology of The Ramones: Why the 70's Were Awesome."          

So far the group has amassed roughly 60 signatures from the student body. They will need a solid majority in order to have the course revoked.

Ultimately all this does exactly what the administration intended: distract the student body from the pervasive infrastructural issues of Skidmore that never seem to dissipate. This will be an interesting development to watch unfold.

Three Students Spend Two Days Stuck in the Jonsson Tower Elevators

Posted by David Goroff

Three students spent two days stuck in the Jonsson Tower elevators, reported Skidmore Campus Safety Assistant Director Lawrence Britt, on Monday, March 31. According to Britt, the students survived by smoking marijuana and then quickly eating the large amount of crackers, Trader Joe's brand Oreo cookies and pepperoni-pizza flavored Doritos.

The students were found when facilities mechanics-who ignored the elevator's persistent issues for months-finally got around to looking into reported issues. The students were transported to Saratoga Hospital by the Saratoga Springs Fire Department.

According to Dan Rodecker, director of Facilities, the students were going from the first to second floor of Jonsson Tower when the motor in the eleventh floor machine room failed.

"We never expected students would use the elevators," Rodecker said. "Skidmore is such an athletic school, when we designed the buildings elevators we didn't anticipate so much usage."

 Rodecker continued to tell The Skidmore News that the elevator will remain out of service until further notice. At press time, students could be seen pressing the elevator call button repeatedly before giving up, looking sad, and walking up two flights of stairs. 

This article was written for April Fools Day. The events described within it did not actually take place.

The Sociology of the Ramones

Posted by Jesse Shayne

After spending numerous semesters at the top of Princeton Review's Reefer Madness list, the Skidmore administration recently decided to hire a new PR firm to try and rebrand the college's image.

President Glotzbach, at a recent Community Coffee Hour, offered his take on the matter to passer-bys (namely the 5 upperclassmen capable of waking up for an 8:30 breakfast). "How can we distract the media from the rampant drug use on this campus?" Glotzbach reportedly asked those in the audience.

And the response, as the media has been sure to highlight, was to introduce a course so bizarrely obscure and removed from the core values of the College that it would be sure to distract those who still linger on the days of the notorious Octobong that propelled Skidmore to Reefer greatness.

Indeed, in case you are the only person in America with internet access who has not heard of the summer course offering that has been abuzz all over the web, this summer Skidmore will offer a course entitled "The Sociology of Miley Cyrus: Race, Class, Gender and Media."

"So far it's working great," said a ranking member of the administration who asked to remain anonymous. "We're no longer that pothead Saratoga school. We're the Miley Cyrus school now."

For a college with a student body that prides itself on being far removed from mainstream culture, the decision to offer this class might come as a shock to some.

While Professor Carolyn Chernoff, a Visiting Assistant Professor of Sociology who will conduct the course, asserts that Miley Cyrus is simply a lens through which students can explore themes about race, gender, and identity in the media, some students aren't so sure.

In response to the announcement of the course, members of Skidmore's Student Entertainment Club have started a picketing campaign to have the course removed from the registrar's website and replaced with a course entitled "The Sociology of The Ramones: Why the 70's Were Awesome."

So far the group has amassed roughly 60 signatures from the student body. They will need a solid majority in order to have the course revoked.

Ultimately all this does exactly what the administration intended-distract the student body from the pervasive infrastructural issues of Skidmore that never seem to dissipate. This will be an interesting development to watch unfold. 

Ruthie West

Posted by Allison Smith

A northern wind bathed my bare body in dust. Grass bent over to rub my cheeks red. Bumpy is already trotting in slow circles, creating patterns in the grass. We are both awake before dew could cover the field. I watch the sun rise in the east. I get dressed, tucking my jeans into my boots. Before kicking apart the campfire, I crush the burnt wood in my fingers and rub the ash under my eyes. I ride Bumpy down the mountain, carrying nothing with us from our campsite, towards the west. Bumpy and I slowly enter the nearest town when the sun is facing us head on. I fix my large clothes, trying to flatten my chest. I tip my hat lower over my eyes. I tie Bumpy to a post then enter the nearest saloon. A girl grabs my arm when I walk in. I shove her off roughly. She stays submissively on the floor where she fell. I don't feel sorry for her. She should lift her head. She should stand up. She should find another man to bother. I leave her and sit at the bar. My head nods towards the drink I want. At a corner table, I watch three men playing cards. One man I recognize from seeing his face on a "wanted" poster in a different town. He is Clay Allison. Allison is known to be a ruthless killer and skilled gunman, but sitting at the table playing cards, his face seemed soft and tired. I should not have recognized him. There at the table he seems an honest man playing cards and drinking whisky. The honest man playing cards and drinking whisky casually throws a knife down onto the table. A card being picked up is now stuck to the table under the blade. I look down into my drink. The three men playing cards are now all standing and yelling with rocky voices. One man has been cheating. No he has not. Yes he has. Is he calling him a liar? Well, he ain't calling him an honest man. He doesn't play with no cheaters. He does not treat cheaters kindly. Allison pulls his knife out of the table. The second man draws his gun. The third man backs away slowly. Everyone in the saloon pretends not to pay attention, but puts one hand on their own concealed weapon under the table. I put a hand on my own gun. It was my mother's. She doesn't need it anymore. I tuck my chin into my chest. My nose dips into my drink. My hat covers my face. Someone pulls a trigger and then I am exposed. My hat flips of and a bell rings in my ear. I shake my short hair out and look around for my hat. I stand up, pull my shoulders back and hold my breath in my chest, attempting to fill as much space as possible. When I turn around, eyes look at me out of their corners. I tighten my stomach and deepen my throat. I scratch a threat out through my mouth. I point my gun towards the general direction of the three men and focus my eyes at a spot on the wall off of Allison's left shoulder. Allison ducks when I shoot. Allison quickly throws his knife at me but I knock over a table and the knife hits the wood. Allison pulls a gun out of his holster. Another man shoots at Allison. He fires back. Wood flies off the walls. Bottles of alcohol shatter. Everyone has his gun out and each one is smoking. I keep low and crawl across the floor to pick up my hat. I take a deep breath and stand up. I start to run towards the door but Allison grabs my shoulders. We face each other. He is almost twice my height. The muscles in his face are tight and his completion is red. I turn my head away as he examines my features. Allison's expression starts to relax and change. Allison begins to form a smile. Instinctively I shove his chest. He stumbles then runs towards me and shoves my chest, if only to gain confirmation of his realization. I fall backwards out of the saloon. He stands over me. He points his gun down at me. He mumbles under his facial hair something about not wanting to shoot a lady. Allison bends over and pushes the head of the gun into my sternum. He leans in to whisper in my ear. His beard scratches my neck. "But I'll do it if I have to." He croaks. Allison yells at me to get up and start walking. He guides me with his gun in my chest. We go behind the saloon. He puts one hand on my shoulder, squeezes tightly and pushes me down behind a few barrels. I close my eyes and listen to him struggle with holding a gun while taking off his belt. I take deep breaths and close my eyes. I sit on the bed and watch my mother dab more powder on her face. She walks over to me, leans over so I can see down her bustier and powders my face. I roll ripped fishnet stockings up my leg. My mother brushes out the knots in my long hair. I stumble down the stairs. My heel gets stuck in the cracked wood. My mother shoves a finger in my lower back and I stand up straight. Men laugh. My lips mouth "Howdy!" sweetly to my left and right. I smile and kiss the dirty cheek of a drunken cowboy. A red mark is left on his face. Men laugh. A new cowboy walks into the saloon. I wrap my arm around his waist and walk him over to a table. He sits down and orders a drink. I bring him his drink and he slaps my body as I walk away. Men laugh. My mother spits words into my ear and puts a meaty hand in my palm. She wants me to treat this man kindly. Men laugh. I lead him up the broken stairs. I am careful not to trip. Men laugh. I close a door. "Open your eyes." Allison commands me. I stare straight into his. I cannot hear the men laugh. I will not break eye contact with Allison as I do what my mother has told me. After a grunt, Allison shakes his body and pulls up his pants. He punches me in the face so that I fall back into the dirt. I watch Allison walk away. I stand up. I brush the dust off of my body. I tuck my jeans into my boots and button my shirt. Bumpy whinnies when he sees me walking towards him. I untie him. We ride out of the town and up into the mountains. My heart has had no time to slow down. Bumpy and I stop. I leave him eating grass and hike up the hill a little further. I lite a cigarette and watch the sun set in the west.

Call Me Honey

Posted by Lorraine Hoffman

I did not have a scary dream but I woke up terrified. ?My eyes widen in the dark and I start to cry as I slowly become aware of my body. Sweaty legs. Arms locked around a pillow. A blanket wrapped tight around my stomach. Aching neck propped up against a laptop. I was trying to contact you. Never once did you answer me. I sent desperate and long texts, glowing red to you. I received no response. You ignored pictures of my face that I sent. None of the tricks that used to turn you on worked anymore. I recklessly drove down a blue highway. I worked in a retail job where losers were better than me. And then I got a call from him. Not you but someone else. I walked out onto a porch that was colored with crayons and watercolors. The phone sat comfortably in my ear as I listened to him talk. He called me honey and said he wouldn't be coming to see me on Friday. He found something better to do. Someone better to do. I knew it was a green party and a blue road trip. Alcohol that he did not want to buy me would be there. I worked in my cold car in a parking lot at night. I worked in a trash pile outside of my retail job where losers were better than me. I sat in my sweet, candy colored bed. Cloud blankets trapped me against the wall. I smelled soft pink, addicting scents. Multiple layers of joy wafted up from my skin and sheets. I was happy for a moment until a terrifying realization came to mind. The scent I was giving off was the only thing good in life. The only pleasurable relationships I have is with myself. Except, I used soap.

Hymn

Posted by Allison Smith

The organ loudly plays the tune for Hymn #122 in our pew books.

"Phhsst! Evie?" Says a woman sitting behind my mom and me.

"Yes? Who is that?" Replies my mom as she turns around and away from me.

"Me, Mrs. Garcia."

"Oh hi."

"Do you know who is going to be the host for Coffee Hour next week?"

"No one signed up?"

"And no one signed up for today either."

"Well I made a little sign to put up telling people sorry, but if no one signs up then there is no coffee."

"That was a smart idea."

"Except can you guess what happened to it?"

"No, what?"

"As I was walking out to the car, a little drop of water went PLOP and fell on my sign."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"That's so frustrating!"

"I know! That one little drop of water went PLOP and smudged the ink everywhere."

"That's terrible."

"Now we can't use the sign."

The Pastor signals for us to all stand up and sing.

"It will be left over donuts for us after the service." She turns again to say behind her, like it is a secret.

"Oh no I cant eat too many of those donuts!"

"Me neither! My trainer told me how many calories were in one little munchkin."

"Don't tell me!"

"It was horrifying!"

"I bet!"

"I will never eat one of those donuts again, they are terrible for your body!"

"Neither will I!"

"You should try my trainer sometime.  He keeps me in such good shape.  Hilary, how long would you say I've been going?"

I do not respond because I am singing.

"Well I have been going for a few months and I've lost about five pounds!"

"Good for you Eve!"

"Yes but not as much as Hilary, look at her!"

"Really? Hilary have you lost weight?"

"Hilary, lift up your shirt a bit so Mrs. Garcia can see your waist now.  She has such a thin waist!"

"Oh wow I can actually see just by looking at her!"

"Right?"

"Hilary you look so good!"

"She lost about ten pounds this year."

"That's amazing."

"I think she is coming into that eighteen year old body. You know that body you get as a teenager? She is finally growing into it."

I mouth a few words silently to myself.

"Good for you Hilary." Mrs. Garcia whispers in my ear.

"Yes, well she is finally losing all that baby fat from her face too."

"Yes, she is turning into quite the beautiful teenager."

"She really is. Look at my girl."

"I mean, a beautiful young woman. My apologies."

"Yes, and look at all the color in her cheeks! She wears no make-up."

"No make-up?"

"None."

"You're brave Hilary! I can't leave the house in the morning without my face on."

"Well, its good to see some color in her face."

"Oh yes is she finally feeling better?"

"Yes, she is. Thank you for your prayers."

"How long was she sick for?"

"About two weeks."

"That's so long!"

"Wouldn't you say two weeks, Hilary?"

"Really? That's a shame."

"Yes, she had every sickness known to God, the poor little thing."

"I'm sure!"

"The flu, a cold, a tonsil abscess... can you believe it? A tonsil abscess!"

"The poor little thing!"

"You know that George Washington died from a tonsil abscess?"

"The poor little dear!"

"My poor baby!"

"Well she looks much better now, and so thin too!"

"I just got the bill from the hospital, telling me how much it was for her to be there for just a few hours while she was sick."

"Hilary, tell me, was it worth it being sick for that long to lose all that weight?"

"Just guess how much that silly bill was. Just guess."

"Was it worth going through all that pain to be so thin now?"

"I mean luckily we have insurance, Steve gets great insurance with his new job."

"Do you know if it was worth it?"

"But anyway, just guess! It was ridiculous."

"You don't know if it was worth it?"

"Three thousand dollars!"

"No?"

Amen. The congregation sings.