Posted by Lorraine Hoffman
I did not have a scary dream but I woke up terrified. ?My eyes widen in the dark and I start to cry as I slowly become aware of my body. Sweaty legs. Arms locked around a pillow. A blanket wrapped tight around my stomach. Aching neck propped up against a laptop. I was trying to contact you. Never once did you answer me. I sent desperate and long texts, glowing red to you. I received no response. You ignored pictures of my face that I sent. None of the tricks that used to turn you on worked anymore. I recklessly drove down a blue highway. I worked in a retail job where losers were better than me. And then I got a call from him. Not you but someone else. I walked out onto a porch that was colored with crayons and watercolors. The phone sat comfortably in my ear as I listened to him talk. He called me honey and said he wouldn't be coming to see me on Friday. He found something better to do. Someone better to do. I knew it was a green party and a blue road trip. Alcohol that he did not want to buy me would be there. I worked in my cold car in a parking lot at night. I worked in a trash pile outside of my retail job where losers were better than me. I sat in my sweet, candy colored bed. Cloud blankets trapped me against the wall. I smelled soft pink, addicting scents. Multiple layers of joy wafted up from my skin and sheets. I was happy for a moment until a terrifying realization came to mind. The scent I was giving off was the only thing good in life. The only pleasurable relationships I have is with myself. Except, I used soap.