What to do when you fall for a player in college
“I’m into a guy who doesn’t want to commit to a relationship with me. What can I do?”
It’s easy to get swept off your feet because of the little sweet nothings that players say to get what they want. Some decent players will be up front with you about their lack of interest in relationships, but that doesn’t make it any easier. When you’re the person who wants a relationship with someone who doesn’t, it’s painful because it most likely ends in goodbye. I wish I knew this before getting involved with people who are emotionally unavailable. After all my experiences and witnessing others go through similar ones, I’ve listed some advice below to consider when you’re in this predicament.
During a chat with my best friend, a Philosophy major, about relationships, she said something that stuck: Don’t mistake fleeting attention for actual love. Sadly, sometimes, it’s easy to conflate these two topics because it feels good when someone gives you attention—it’s validating. However, when their attention is sparse and unpredictable (when they want something in return), it’s a telltale sign that it’s not genuine, and they are just using you for sexual gratification. Most likely, if they show you attention one minute and then leave the next, they are doing the exact same thing to someone else.
Reflect on whether you like them for them or just the attention. It’s hard to distinguish in the moment because who wants to admit that they are seeking validation and attention. But it’s extremely important to ponder this dilemma because the relationships strung together in a want of attention and insecurity don’t last. Without the grounding of actual feelings for the other person, the relationship won’t be stable. If you are constantly craving attention from a guy for happiness, it’ll hurt you in the long run because you’ll be left in heartbreak.
Don’t just settle for someone. Know your worth. You are wonderful and deserving of someone who doesn’t make you question their loyalty or make you doubt their intentions and love. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but also the right person will come along when you least expect it. Don’t rush love. Settling for someone might bring you instant happiness, but it may not be lasting and instead could add to a mountain of heartbreak that will one day explode.
Don’t go into the “relationship” thinking you can change them. In some instances, someone can change for their significant other by being with them. However, there will be times where you think you can also do the “no strings attached” type of relationship, but when you see them with someone else, it’ll hurt. It’s always their choice if they want to change their lifestyle, and you can’t force them or expect them to alter their choices.
Listen to your friends! From personal experience, your best friends have your best interest at heart, and they can spot the red flags before you can. You might be inclined to ignore the red flags because you see them through rose-colored glasses, which blurs the truth. That little voice in the back of your head is right too; if it doesn’t feel right, chances are something is off. Pay attention to the warning signs and trust your friends. Friends have insightful advice because they are removed from being in that relationship and out of that vulnerable and biased position.
Know when to say goodbye for your own emotional wellbeing. Goodbyes suck. They really do. No matter how short a time you spent with that person, it still hurts and it’s difficult. You have to know when to say goodbye because you have to protect your heart and your mental health. Being with someone who doesn’t treat you with respect or someone who makes you feel like you’re not enough, will have a large negative toll on you. It’ll be so hard in that moment and the days, weeks, and months after, but it’ll hurt less in the future. If you stay with that person for longer, it’ll be harder to say goodbye.
All in all, everything is easier said than done but know that you aren’t alone. You have your family, friends, counselors, therapists, and more. It’s okay to make mistakes and wrong decisions because feelings are unpredictable, and they hold the strength of waves. And feelings come in waves too, they creep up on you. It took me a long time to learn this advice, and I was the one who ignored my friends, settled, and didn’t say goodbye when I should have. But I had my heart broken, and that heartbreak put everything in perspective. Just remember at the end of the day, you are beautiful and whole. You don’t need someone to make you happy.