Horoscopes

Horoscopes

By: Cara Dempsey, Pulp Editor

Virgo

Virgo: The beginning of this school year could be a fresh start for you. Go and try to re-friend everyone from last semester on Facebook. I'm sure no one remembers about how you threw up on Capricorn's gender-neutral significant other at the Sadie Hawkins Lax Formal.

Libra

Libra: This semester can go one of two ways for you: Things could go really, really well or really, really not well.  We wish you the best of luck in all of your endeavors. 

Scorpio

Scorpion: The next time you go DT, some weak-ass bitches might try to start something, but then you'll hit some combination of buttons and use Doom Slice followed by Jump Back-Kick and then BOOM! FATALITY! FINISH HIM!

Sagittarius

Sagittarius: Your ex is going to change the password on their Netflix account this month. You have two choices: pay for your own Netflix, or get back together with your ex for the greater good. You know what must be done.

Capricorn

Capricorn: You will be coming to a crossroads with your gender-neutral significant other this month. The two of you have a lot to talk about, and the way Jupiter is high-fiving Mars suggests that you both take a deep breath and reevaluate your defining of your casually exclusive lovers-with-benefits status.

Aquarius

Aquaman: We regret to inform you that you have been cut from DC's upcoming Justice League film because it was a bad idea. We wish you all the best in the future!

Pisces

Pisces: Mercury is in retrograde and retro styles are totally back in for the fall! Try out some fashions that have gone majorly out of style and see how they work on you! Chokers and Uggs! Side ponytails and neon windbreakers! Heck, look at your own personal styles from yesteryear if you need some inspiration. Braces looked awful back then, but now might be the time!

Aries

Aries: Stop reading horoscopes and write your paper! It's not even October, and you're already slacking off.

 Taurus

Taurus:  My man, you know that the way these groovy planets are lining up and doin' the cha cha slide means that you're gonna get laid this month. I know it, you know it, and the stars know it (and that's your pick-up line).

Gemini

Gemini: Oh, hey, Gemini. What's good? How was your summer? Oh, nice. Cool. Did you intern or something? Oh, cool. Haha, yeah we should! Well, good catching up!

Cancer

Cancer: Holy shit, dude! I just saw Gemini! We're in MB107 together. I mean, yeah, it's a pretty big class but ugh—SO AWKWARD!

Leo

Leo: You need to find your inner child. Go find a pile of leaves this autumn and play in them. If there are no leaves yet, get a ladder, pluck a bunch off of a tree, and then roll around in them. Or just go snuggle some tree branches. May the wee baby inside of you rejoice!

Health Services and Counseling Under Massive Renovation

Health Services and Counseling Under Massive Renovation

Hannibal Buress

Hannibal Buress