By: Marie Civitello, '17, Contributing Writer PISCES
The possibility of true love awaits you around every corner, dear Pisces. The saucy beat of a tango might be playing in the background when you lock eyes with ‘The One’. Perhaps your eyelashes will be sparkling with fresh snowflakes when you bump into them on the way to class. You may be sitting alone in D-hall, struggling to lift a quivering forkful of peas to your mouth when they suddenly appear at your side. This is your month to shine, Pisces, but do not smile too bright—you have a pea stuck between your front teeth.
Beware of the trashcans, Aquarius. They contain spiteful, football-sized squirrels. These freaks of the rodent kingdom plot against you.
Taurus, have you called your mother recently? She has not heard from you in a while and figured you had finally left the nest for good. Uncle Lester (yes, the one with the obstructed nasal passageways) is moving into your room, but do not worry, you can have the trundle bed.
A Hallmark card from your grandmother featuring an ominously grinning pony and the words “Happy Heart Day” is waiting in your mailbox, Cancer. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Your next-door neighbor just purchased new subwoofers, metallic purple leggings and a full-length mirror. Dear Virgo, your nights of restful sleep are over.
Remember that humorous email you sent your RA about raising a gopher colony in your room, Scorpio? Well, they took it seriously. You thought you were friends, but that was just too much, too soon. Res Life is now keeping a file on you, and is closely watching your comings and goings.
Your enthusiastic claims to “love winter” will falter this month, Libra. But not to worry - only two more months of bitter arctic winds and patches of reptilian, wind-chafed skin.
Yes, your metallic purple leggings look fantastic and the late-night dance sessions are a great way to boogie your troubles away—but can you keep it down? Sleep-deprived Virgo next door is seeking revenge.
The smell of D-hall veggie burgers will trail you like an evil aura this month, Aries. Expect concerned glances from strangers.
Thanks to your dislike of vacuuming, the apple from last semester that you forgot behind your fridge has sprouted. A lucrative apple business is foreseen in your near future.
You might think stomping in the room above you is inconsiderate; it’s actually Morse code. Stay tuned for important announcements.
Your parents are planning a trip to Barbados for spring break, Sagittarius. With Crystalline waters, sun-soaked beaches and not a snowflake to be seen; they are so glad they have you to watch the cats while they are away!