Rants of the Keyboard Buttons of My Macbook Pro

Posted by Sandy Zhang

Q: Finally! A hit! I look so similar to "O," but it gets significantly more attention than me. Those damn vowels. Sometimes I think of myself as a deformed twin of "O". Deformities make such a big difference. Appearances shouldn't matter so much - the superficiality of the society we live in makes me sick. I mean, it's just a tail really. I can hide it! What's worst is that I'm to the immediate right of tab and underneath 1 and 2. Their popularity makes me sick.

J: I get a surprising amount of touch for someone like me. It's only because my owner online shops at J. Crew like a WASP wanna-be. It might also be because she won't get up in the morning if there weren't any packages waiting for her at the post office.

X: "Xanax" is my favorite word. "Xerox" is the runner-up, but only because "Xanax" is profusely more popular.

F4: Who doesn't love using Exposé? It's so much classier than Dashboard. What a stupid name, this isn't a racecar.

F5: Let me put it this way: Dashboard serves enormously more functions than Exposé. It's a dictionary, calculator, calendar, weather channel and Post-It note all in one. And more. Just press that plus sign on the bottom left corner and voila! ESPN scores and Flight Tracker. How many functions does Exposé have?

F10 & F11: My owner is fidgety and picky and will never stop adjusting how loud her music is. That being said, we certainly don't mind the attention from her!

F1 & F12: She never knows how bright she wants her screen to be either. We have the same problem as F11 and F12. In fact, the four of us sometimes go on double dates and laugh at her indecisiveness.

Spacebar: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!! (It bothers me when one half of my body receives more attention than the other, but what can you do? Thumbs are weird.)

Command: I am probably the most important key on this keyboard. Want to cut and paste quickly? You'll need me. Want to undo, redo and double-space? Me again. In fact, I am so significant, there are two of me.

Enter: This gig is not what I signed up for. Shift gets a bigger slice of the keyboard but bears less hits. Every time my owner starts a new paragraph or sends a Facebook Chat message or AOL Instant Message, she overworks me. (Who still uses AIM?) These conversations always last longer than they need to. How many times does she need to say "LMAO" and then follow it with "ROFL"? We get it, you are laughing.

What's more, ever since she became a writer for SkidNews, I have worked tirelessly. How many paragraphs does a news article need to have? I get ravished and left hanging, receiving nary a gentle touch from her.

Page up & Page down: We don't get used because one can drag two fingers up and down the silver trackpad to scroll. Multi-touch technology is the worst thing that ever happened. We wish Apple didn't buy-out FingerWorks.

T, H, E, G, R, E, A, T: We are burnt out because we form her password. What's worst is that she uses the same password for everything – from Gmail to World of Warcraft to PlentyofFish to HSBC Internet Banking.

S, A, N, D, Y, Z, H, A, N, G: Our owner is self-absorbed and a narcissist, which is why she uses us excessively every time she writes an email or a post on LiveJournal.

0-9: We can be either numbers or symbols. We are such busy sons of bitches that we don't even have the time or energy to rant.

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