Posted by Andrew Shi
Professor Ron Seyb, Joseph C. Palamountain, Jr. Chair in Government, announced that he would be leaving Skidmore for sabbatical during the 2013-2014 academic year, much to the dismay of the Government Department.
"There is a growing concern among the Government Department faculty that government students will stop checking their emails with Professor Seyb on sabbatical," Associate Professor Natalie Taylor revealed.
"I mean, is there really any point to do so?" Jack Griffin '15, a government major and former advisee of Professor Seyb said in reference to continuing his habit of checking his email twelve times per day.
"Who else is going to send you an email like this," he continued. "Dear Those Who Serve Who Only Stand and Endure My Nonsense:
We are yet again on the cusp of advising week, which always prompts the same tingling feelings of anticipation and excitement that accompany such other significant cultural events as the opening of boxing season, the introduction of a new flavor of Pringles (Can they be both Cool Ranch and Cheesy Quesadilla? Hey, if nuclear fission is possible....), and a new shipment to Justin Bieber's Gas Mask Emporium. I thus know that you are ready for some punishing but, of course, rewarding advising sessions, provided that you define "rewarding" as anything that does not cause permanent tissue damage.
I have listed below the time slots during which I will be available next week for advising meetings. I shall assign them, as is my pernicious wont, on a First Spasm of Madness, First Served Basis. Just email your preference to me and the rest is up to the flow of the universe," Griffin quoted from memory.*
The government department has begun looking for a temporary replacement for Professor Seyb. A leak from an anonymous government professor who sits on the replacement committee has revealed that the shortlist of possible candidates includes celebrated comedians Steven Colbert, Chris Rock, Billy Crystal and Glen Beck.
"They won't nearly provide the same quality, but we hope one of them will be enough to keep students checking their emails," the anonymous Professor said.
The replacement committee hopes to announce their choice by mid-April.
* Note: the above excerpt is from an actual email sent out by Professor Seyb. Your author is not nearly brilliant enough to concoct such a letter.