Posted by Julia Martin
A lengthy undercover investigation of Skidmore's own Quidditch team reveals that the club members are actually physically incapable of performing any truly magical acts. The investigation has been underway for over 3 years, and it was confirmed just a few days ago that the members of the Quidditch team are not in fact wizards and witches, but rather students with an affinity for running with a conventional broom stick between their legs.
"It's been a long time coming," said the undercover reporter, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of backlash, "but I finally caught those suckers. I only wonder how long they thought they could keep up the charade. I think it's a hard truth to swallow, but something the Skidmore Community needs to know."
The case was finally cracked open when our reporter broke into the storage shed used by the morally corrupt club, and discovered the quaffles and bludgeons to be old, deflated and quite frankly poorly cared for, dodgeballs.
When we cornered and questioned about the incident, Quidditch team president, Lindsey Thomas '13, appeared nervous and quickly diverted the question with a few of her own questions, "How did you guys even get into my house? Are you eating my Cheerio's right now?"
The final clue in the SkidNews' investigation was the discovery that the "snitch", the flying gold ball that grants instant victory to its captor, is actually a small person who runs aimlessly around campus during each match.
"I asked myself this, if the team members were actually capable of magic, why would they need or want a small human to run around with a tennis ball in a pouch hanging from their backside?" our reporter asked, "The act seems both humiliating and inefficient in comparison to the use of an actual magical snitch. That's when all the pieces came together."
The group of pathological liars were last seen living their lie on the grass field outside of Wiecking Hall, as if they hadn't done anything wrong.