Posted by Anonymous
The over-crowding of freshmen into triples has caused rampant problems on campus. It has become unsafe to walk in Northwoods for fear of being trampled by eager freshmen stampeding to find private space for knoodling. Cases of hypothermia have reached alarming rates as freshmen continue to sit on the green well into the frigid nights to avoid their cramped rooms.
Many students have noticed that, in a recent expansion of the new Game Room, the administration has built a human-sized checkers board outside the Arthur Zankel Music Center. To ensure its functionality even in rainy or snowy weather, a large tent has been erected above it. Such brilliance, such forethought!
In the spirit of "Creative Thought," I have devised the following modest proposal. In an effort to bring freshmen out of their over-crowded triples, they should be used as human checkers pieces in this facility.
When one is "jumped," they would be quickly and (relatively) painlessly executed. Their remains would be added to the compost piles in Northwoods this compost would be used to fertilize the Skidmore garden, and we as an institution could more fully realize our goal of sustainability.
Those who were "king-ed" would actually carry their peers on their backs. This would provide us with more able-bodied prospects for our sports programs.
President Glotzbach could spend his sabbatical reigning over these games, ordering freshmen around with despotic privilege. He could challenge (and invariably defeat) visiting presidents from Williams, Hobart and Union Colleges. In this way, he would take full advantage of his year off by helping bolster Skidmore's reputation of excellence.
Need I even mention that there would no longer exist the need to stuff freshmen into triples? De-tripling and "Dingles" (now standing for "death-single," rather than the antiquated "double-single") would become the norm.
This is the way of Skidmore's future, and I applaud the administration for taking the important first step of creating this giant checkers board.