A Hazer's Handbook

Posted by Alex Hodor-Lee

If you're on a sports team and you're thinking of giving your newcomers a harmless paddle in the rear (or a Coors Light), read on, as I tell you how to avoid the repercussions.

Let's face it: no one's perfect. So if some Johnny Freshman's mom calls the school to complain, go operation DTYD (deny til you die).

FYI: the nomenclature varies culturally, in some cultures it's known as The Shaggy, It Wasn't Me strategy (just in case you're abroad when the athletic dept. sends you an email implicating you).

Next, you're going to be called into Don Hastings' office. If your dad isn't a member of Seal Team Six and can't Zero Dark your ass, don't make the Blake Mistake or the Ringler Regret: admitting guilt and giving a play-by-play of what happened.

Remember: we're still denying.

So, when an avuncular Don Hastings tells you that he has footage of you hazing people, don't give in. He's lying. Yes, lying.

As any good criminologist (or anyone who's ever watched an episode of Law and Order, ever) will tell you: they're going to try to turn you guys against each other. Don't give in.

After you tell him that it's disrespectful to call this minor thing a "hazing incident," remind him that you maintain your innocence and that the Theater Department hazes all the time anyway. Or just tell him to bring it up at President Glotzbach's next Fireside Chat.

BUTTT, if they do have iPhone footage (or a blurry Instagram photo) of you giving some freshman a wine cooler, do what every man left standing in a mob movie does: make a deal and rat out everyone else.

Or, jump ship to the tennis team.

After joining the tennis team and engaging in your own consequence-less hazing scandal, you'll be on TV (hi mom!) admonishing other sports teams for THEIR hazing scandals.

If all of this fails, pray they'll just ban you from playing lacrosse in the spring; they'll take their punishment back.

Or, just don't haze next year. Happy summer, everyone!

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