Skidmore College Purchased By Foreign Investors
In a recent, shocking move, The Atlantic Power Reach Investment League purchased a majority share of Skidmore College. This buyout comes after months of speculation by many major agencies debating whether or not they had the balls to pull this off. The League was asked what made them choose Skidmore over many of the other liberal arts colleges in the area, and they were quoted saying, “We were struck by the phrase ‘Creative Thought Matters,’ which is something that we adhere to at our firm, and that started the initial investigation into purchasing the school. We then saw how lovely the school was, so we had to have it.” There was also heat on them to diversify their investment portfolio after one of their competitors, the Foreign Opportunity Outlook Liabilities Syndicate, purchased nearby Union College.
Now that the school is under new ownership, the League has made it clear that changes will be implemented. Tuition will be reduced or free for all students, made possible by the deep resources of the League. President Glotzbach will remain at his position, although he will largely be there only as a figurehead for the campus. The official language of the school will now be Gaelic, and all of the school signage will be changed. Laundry will be free of charge for students, and guest swipes into the Dining Hall will be increased from three to five.
Some people will debate whether or not this change is good for the school, but I believe it opens up a whole new window of opportunity for students to excel, as some of the League’s other investments can now be connected with the school’s career network, which can help graduating seniors to find jobs. This will come as a relief to many graduating students, and George Oscar Bluth, graduating with a self-determined major in Digital Media and Illusion, was quoted saying, “It is nice to know I can get a career with Imagine Entertainment to further myself after the final countdown of my days here at Skidmore College.”
I am excited for the new changes to be implemented, although a statement from the League said to not expect anything until next semester. Looking to the future, this will protect the school from other potential buyers looking to capitalize on the creative thought happening here. There are rumors of a 24/7 center for dogs, where students can go and frolic with their canine pals. The League has also—in an attempt to win the student body’s hearts—locked down Danny DeVito, star of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, as the commencement speaker, with a potential surprise appearance of rum ham. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS.