I wrote this when I was going through a friendship break up, but I kept it stored away in the void of my laptop, and it eventually collected dust because I wasn’t ready to share it at the time.
Friendships are like warm hugs—constant and comforting. My friends are always there for me when I need to talk, and I’m always there for them when they are going through challenging moments of time. I feel so much love for them, and I never want them to argue with them. I never want to feel upset or angry. They are always sweet cotton candy and lollipops without even the hint of bitter shadows.
At least, that’s what I thought.
I thought it would always be without problems. As I went through life, I experienced friendship break ups, and let me tell you, it probably hurts more than a breakup, breakup. My best friend and I were reflecting on the pain of friendship break ups and have come to the conclusion that it does indeed hurt more than a romantic break up. Well, maybe, we can’t compare the two. Nonetheless, there is something captivating in a friendship, it’s almost like a bond between sisters—one that is not necessary by blood, but something stranger, unconditional love. It’s love by choice. It’s a different type of love, but all kinds of love hurt when it finally ends whether it’s because of distance, misunderstandings, pride, or just the constant agony of pain at watching your friend in pain. How does someone who you spend so much time confiding in and sharing memories with suddenly become less than a stranger? Someone you never talk to anymore. If friendships end, what’s the point then? Well, through all my friendships, those that ended or those that continued, I learned and collected the pieces that go into maintaining long-term friendships. It comes down to, well, no, it isn’t just one thing, but many, many things. From my friendships, I’ve learned to listen, to be fully present (instead of the hearing but not listening), to know when to talk and when to take some time and space, and how to forgive and move on.
Listening is important because everyone deserves to be heard, and sometimes you just need to rant. It’s nice to have someone on your side, but also someone to call you out on your mistakes and your pride. PRIDE is one of the biggest reasons why friendships may end because of the inability to say the words, I’m sorry, which can bring destruction to friendships. Sometimes, you just have to swallow your pride and admit when you are wrong because you can learn and change for the better. I learned to be fully present when my friends are talking because life is too short to not live in the present and focus on others, rather than being stuck in your mind and bubble of me.
Something that my favorite author, Jane Austen, once said was, “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends,” and that sums up how I am. I want to be there for my friends because of how I care so deeply for them. However, as they say, everything is good in moderation. Be present for your friends and hear what they have to say, and if you can’t be there fully for them, just let them know. We’re human, and we’re all trying to navigate through life. Your wellbeing should always be a priority.
This is a big one. Sometimes when emotions are all over the place, it’s pretty easy to say something that you don’t mean, and space is healthy. Just like an injured muscle, you have to take some time off to heal. The space tells you whether or not you will come back to each other. It’s only a pause in the friendship, and it may help you reflect on the friendship--on whether or not it’s healthy for you.
But I still have questions. How do you know when you are supposed to move on? Should I stay and fight for that friendship? Those are questions that I am still pondering and attempting to find answers, but I know one thing, if the friendship feels like it’s draining your energy and bringing down your mood, or if the friend isn’t putting in the effort to spend time with you or be there for you, it may be time to move on. I’m still learning, and there really isn’t a handbook for friendships; rather it’s meant to be part of living through experiences, and I believe every friendship has something valuable to teach you.
Remember, if you lose a friendship, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you. As someone said, “people come and go.” I think if someone is meant to be in your life, they will come back, and if they don’t, you have to keep living because the world never stops rotating. The world is not truly falling apart or crashing down. The world will continue, and the pain will end. At the end of the day, your best friends will be there for you. A quote that hung in my childhood bedroom and continues to lurk in the back of my mind is, “Friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they’re always there.” Be on the lookout for the stars glowing around you: sparkling their light there.
But after twenty-one years, I’m still learning.