A Hazer's Handbook

Posted by Alex Hodor-Lee

If you're on a sports team and you're thinking of giving your newcomers a harmless paddle in the rear (or a Coors Light), read on, as I tell you how to avoid the repercussions.

Let's face it: no one's perfect. So if some Johnny Freshman's mom calls the school to complain, go operation DTYD (deny til you die).

FYI: the nomenclature varies culturally, in some cultures it's known as The Shaggy, It Wasn't Me strategy (just in case you're abroad when the athletic dept. sends you an email implicating you).

Next, you're going to be called into Don Hastings' office. If your dad isn't a member of Seal Team Six and can't Zero Dark your ass, don't make the Blake Mistake or the Ringler Regret: admitting guilt and giving a play-by-play of what happened.

Remember: we're still denying.

So, when an avuncular Don Hastings tells you that he has footage of you hazing people, don't give in. He's lying. Yes, lying.

As any good criminologist (or anyone who's ever watched an episode of Law and Order, ever) will tell you: they're going to try to turn you guys against each other. Don't give in.

After you tell him that it's disrespectful to call this minor thing a "hazing incident," remind him that you maintain your innocence and that the Theater Department hazes all the time anyway. Or just tell him to bring it up at President Glotzbach's next Fireside Chat.

BUTTT, if they do have iPhone footage (or a blurry Instagram photo) of you giving some freshman a wine cooler, do what every man left standing in a mob movie does: make a deal and rat out everyone else.

Or, jump ship to the tennis team.

After joining the tennis team and engaging in your own consequence-less hazing scandal, you'll be on TV (hi mom!) admonishing other sports teams for THEIR hazing scandals.

If all of this fails, pray they'll just ban you from playing lacrosse in the spring; they'll take their punishment back.

Or, just don't haze next year. Happy summer, everyone!

BREAKING: Discovered that Quidditch team not actually capable of magic: Club revealed to be spinning a dangerous web of lies and deceit (April Fools Edition)

Posted by Julia Martin

A lengthy undercover investigation of Skidmore's own Quidditch team reveals that the club members are actually physically incapable of performing any truly magical acts. The investigation has been underway for over 3 years, and it was confirmed just a few days ago that the members of the Quidditch team are not in fact wizards and witches, but rather students with an affinity for running with a conventional broom stick between their legs.

"It's been a long time coming," said the undercover reporter, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of backlash, "but I finally caught those suckers. I only wonder how long they thought they could keep up the charade. I think it's a hard truth to swallow, but something the Skidmore Community needs to know."

The case was finally cracked open when our reporter broke into the storage shed used by the morally corrupt club, and discovered the quaffles and bludgeons to be old, deflated and quite frankly poorly cared for, dodgeballs.

When we cornered and questioned about the incident, Quidditch team president, Lindsey Thomas '13, appeared nervous and quickly diverted the question with a few of her own questions, "How did you guys even get into my house? Are you eating my Cheerio's right now?"

The final clue in the SkidNews' investigation was the discovery that the "snitch", the flying gold ball that grants instant victory to its captor, is actually a small person who runs aimlessly around campus during each match.

"I asked myself this, if the team members were actually capable of magic, why would they need or want a small human to run around with a tennis ball in a pouch hanging from their backside?" our reporter asked, "The act seems both humiliating and inefficient in comparison to the use of an actual magical snitch. That's when all the pieces came together."

The group of pathological liars were last seen living their lie on the grass field outside of Wiecking Hall, as if they hadn't done anything wrong. 

Failing pizza shop owner locates ideal pizza at Skidmore College : April Fools Edition

Posted by Lisa Fierstein

Steve Lorenzo, a local New York City pizza shop owner is looking to revamp his failing pizza business named Scoiattolo's Pizzeria.

His aim was to locate the perfect pizza by sampling pizzas at various college dining halls in the state of New York. Last week, Lorenzo stepped foot into Skidmore's acclaimed Murray-Aikins Dining Hall with his taste buds ready to find the best pizza for his shop.

Seven sizzling pizzas sat confidently at Supremo's Pizza Station on the Red Side of D-hall when Lorenzo entered. After months of searching, Lorenzo hit the ultimate pizza jackpot.

"Yes!" Lorenzo exclaimed. "I have never seen such delectable pizza. And what's most impressive is that the main ingredient is Creative Thought."

Lorenzo met with the Director of Dining Services to work out logistics, and bought each one of Skidmore's Pizza Chefs. Lorenzo Megabused the Pizza Chefs to his New York City shop, where they will start work on Monday, April 1st. Lorenzo feels confident that this new team of highly skilled Pizza Artists will advance his business.

In the meantime, Skidmore Dining Services is actively working to find new talented pizza chefs, so students can expect to be deprived of pizza until a new staff is hired.

Skidmore Dining Services is well known for their culinary excellence, and now Lorenzo's pizza shop will own a slice of this greatness. 

Skidmore to offer "Why Creative Thought Matters" class in upcoming semester: April Fools Edition

Posted by Alex Mintz

Skidmore College's motto "Creative Thought Matters," or "C.T.M.," is well known by the student body on campus. Often uttered before committing questionable actions during questionable hours of the weekends, "C.T.M." has become something of a go-to phrase for students about to engage in "out-of-the-box" activities. Skidmore College has ideas on how to change the meaning of "C.T.M."

The College plans to offer and perhaps eventually require a class called "Why Creative Thought Matters." This class will be geared toward guiding students into understanding exactly what creative thought is and what it is not. After identifying creative and uncreative thinking, students will begin discussing why and how creative thought is used, and how it can't be used.

Dr. Prudence Day III, Associate Professor of Philosophy, will be teaching the class. "I hope that students will learn the right guidelines for creative thinking -- where they can or can't gain inspiration and what they should never think." Dr. Day's edgy curriculum on creative thought is currently being approved by the board of directors.

Butch Ray-Nathan '15 expressed his excitement for the class. "Too many people leave C.T.M. up for grabs. It's tossed around like hot potato, and the freshmen get confused. It will be good to set up clear guidelines so we don't have to face the confusion."

Isaac Goldstein '14 also expressed his interest. "I'm glad to see some guidance and order will be given to the upcoming underclassmen. Some of their crazy so-called 'creative' ideas were beginning to look like a threat to good, well-established and tested creative ideas."

However, the new course offering has already seen a bit of controversy. Rachel Meadow '14 commented, "What?! Are you serious? Is this a joke?" Another student said, "This is the stupidest... I can't. Words don't describe my outrage."

Even some student clubs are joining the opposition. The Orwellian Club plans to hold a "Creative Thought Police Protest" on Apr. 4 at 1 p.m. When asked for details about the protest and his opinion on the latest addition to the curriculum, Club president Stewie MacFarland '13 merely replied, "Ignorance is strength."

SGA Elections divide Skidmore: April Fools Edition

Posted by Andrew Shi

Skidmore is a divided college, and this partition is hardly more evident than during election season. Still, SGA presidential candidates have toured the campus, promising to bridge differences and end the gridlock that has crippled SGA in the past year.

Nothing has yet indicated this promised reconciliation. Instead the parties seem as alienated from one another as ever.

"I can't even remember the last time I sat on the blue side," Jacob Stevens '15, a registered hipster, laments. "I barely even go to Global anymore, I just receive too many dirty stares."

Peter Norton '14, the presidential incumbent and nominee for the "I wore your Granddad's clothes before it was cool" party has of recent raised partisan oration. He has accused SGA officials of the Grand Off-Campus party (GOP) of obstructing deals that would allocate funds to the art and music programs.

Aubrey Lopez '14, The GOP presidential candidate and owner of five lacrosse sticks, including two semi-automatics, has responded by charging the Norton administration of earmarking funds to favorite constituents and giving preference to his own party members.

"We don't even have a football field," Lopez reminds. "You have a $44 million music center."

In a recent rally on Wachenheim Field, Lopez promised that, if elected, she will see an increase in spending on sports programs.

"Athletics is an imperative of the Skidmore community, and if we underfund our sports programs we will begin to see our athletic prowess fall in comparison to our rivals. Already the Norton administration is undermining our athletic abilities by diverting funds to purchase markers and glitter. Instead of keeping our athletic forces strong, he is promising free M&Ms with the soft-serve machine which will likely quadruple current tuition rates. Norton is utterly incompetent. What SGA needs is a person who understands how the economy works and how to responsibly manage a budget, someone who understands business, someone who has taken five business classes."

Free M&M coverage has been a pressing issue in this year's debate. After the Integrity Board found the National M&M Care Act constitutional this past June, GOP officials have promised to see the act repealed.

"It's un-Skidmore that I have to see my tuition money go to pay for someone else's M&Ms," Lopez told supporters at the same rally.

A recent Gallup poll showed that Lopez lead Norton by a single point as of March 24. Candidates have now focused attention on the undecided and moderates, heavily campaigning in Dana Center, and the Government and History Departments.

"To be honest, I won't even watch the television anymore, I just can't stand these campaign commercials. If one of these candidates promised that I could just watch the Big Band Theory  without a single political ad, they could have my vote," Jennifer  Berkovich' 14, a Biology major, said.

"All this polarizing vitriol is truly sickening and I probably won't even vote, I just don't care enough about politics," Jack Griffin' 15, a Government and English double Major, said.

Election boffins expect that as Skidmore approaches the last week before the election, the prevalence of campaigning will only worsen for the undecided as candidates pour money into bombarding them with advertisements.

"I don't even know what SGA does," Griffin admitted.

President Norton will be holding a rally in Zankel on Monday, April 1. Lopez is expected to meet foreign dignitaries at RPI on Wednesday, April 3.

President Glotzbach reportedly "kinda bummed" students "flake" on fireside chat: Accomplished philosopher, professor and administrator says it's ?no big dealio?(April Fools Edition)

Posted by Julia Martin

President Philip Glotzbach's scheduled "fireside chat" on Wednesday, March 6 between 5:30 and 6:30 PM, was embarrassingly not attended by a single student.

"Maybe my e-mail didn't go through?" Glotzbach wondered aloud around 6:07 PM.

By 6:22 PM it became clear that no students were planning to attend the scheduled chat. At that point the summa cum laude graduate of Notre Dame University reportedly turned off the electric fire in an effort draw less attention to himself and the empty seats next to him.

"This isn't the first time the students have ditched me," Glotzbach, who earned his Ph.D. at Yale University, said, "Honestly, and I don't say this to be mean I say this to be honest, it's totally lame of them to not follow through with plans. And Marie thinks so too."

Several students were questioned as to their decision not to attend the scheduled chat. Reasons such as "I think my e-mail's broken" and "It was never, like, a definite plan" were cited by sources that chose to remain anonymous.

The president was last seen pretending to text as he hurriedly exited the Murray-Aikins Dining Hall. 

Skidmore students definitely understand the rules of polo: April Fools Edition

Posted by Julia Martin

Skidmore students are noticeably riled up about the upcoming Polo match this weekend. The Skidmore News spoke to a few students who were particularly enthusiastic about the sport. Our investigation showed that not only do students have a firm grasp on the concept of the sport, but also have great personal interest in the Skidmore Polo Team:

"Is that the one where you can't let the balloon touch the ground?"- Jacob '15

"My grandma plays that every Saturday with her old friends." -Christina '14

"What I don't understand is how the horses jump through those hoops. The horses are so big and those hoops are so small!" -Mark '12

"Horses smell weird, (laughter) am I right?!" -Amy '16

"I buy all my khakis there." -Ted '13

Thoroughbred basketball star to enter NBA draft?: April Fools Edition

Posted by Andrew Shi

At 6-4, he would by no means be a towering figure in the NBA, but his naturally athletic abilities and superb understanding of fundamentals has led senior Mike Pannozzi to be invited to visit several NBA teams including the New York Knicks, Charlotte Bobcats and Phoenix Suns.

In this past season, Mike Pannozzi averaged a double-double, leading his team with 15 points and 13 rebounds per game. He led the league with an average 6.2 blocks per game, and  averaged five assists and three steals. From the field he shot 56% and hit 43% of shots beyond the arc. He also shot 92% from the free throw.

"Mr. Pannozzi has demonstrated himself to be a dangerous sharpshooter, but what he really brings to the table is a defensive prowess. An average of 13 rebounds and 6.2 blocks will translate very well into the NBA," said a representative from the Phoenix front office.

"He's the kind of player we'd like to see on our team as we rebuild."

"I've spoken to several teams; I think they wanted to gauge my possible interest in their teams," Pannozzi said. "To be honest, I haven't even decided whether or not to join this year's draft."

But that doesn't mean agents and teams aren't giving him a push. "Why wouldn't you want to play for the NBA. You get to do something you love and make millions doing it, and a player like Pannozzi will certainly be making millions," said Derek Fagan, a prominent NBA agent who recently spoke to Pannozzi.

Pannozzi, who's an education and dance major, doesn't share this dream that so many other young men do. "I've always wanted to teach. I always assumed that after graduation, I would take up a job at an elementary school teaching third graders  their basic multiplication tables."

When asked about the rumors that he would likely be a first round pick, and could possibly be a top ten pick, Pannozzi said, "There's a lot of good players and it's an honor that I'm considered in such a high regard, but I'm just not sure if the NBA is for me."

"When I make my decision, the Skidmore Community will be the first to know," Pannozzi affirmed.

Mike Pannozzi led his team to the Skidmore intramural championships, where they won by fifteen. Pannozzi was awarded MVP.

Professor Seyb to go on Sabbatical, fears abound that students will stop checking email: April Fools Edition

Posted by Andrew Shi

Professor Ron Seyb, Joseph C. Palamountain, Jr. Chair in Government, announced that he would be leaving Skidmore for sabbatical during the 2013-2014 academic year, much to the dismay of the Government Department.

"There is a growing concern among the Government Department faculty that government students will stop checking their emails with Professor Seyb on sabbatical," Associate Professor Natalie Taylor revealed.

"I mean, is there really any point to do so?" Jack Griffin '15, a government major and former advisee of Professor Seyb said in reference to continuing his habit of checking his email twelve times per day.

"Who else is going to send you an email like this," he continued. "Dear Those Who Serve Who Only Stand and Endure My Nonsense:

 We are yet again on the cusp of advising week, which always prompts the same tingling feelings of anticipation and excitement that accompany such other significant cultural events as the opening of boxing season, the introduction of a new flavor of Pringles (Can they be both Cool Ranch and Cheesy Quesadilla?  Hey, if nuclear fission is possible....), and a new shipment to Justin Bieber's Gas Mask Emporium.  I thus know that you are ready for some punishing but, of course, rewarding advising sessions, provided that you define "rewarding" as anything that does not cause permanent tissue damage.

 I have listed below the time slots during which I will be available next week for advising meetings.  I shall assign them, as is my pernicious wont, on a First Spasm of Madness, First Served Basis.  Just email your preference to me and the rest is up to the flow of the universe,"  Griffin quoted from memory.*

The government department has begun looking for a temporary replacement for Professor Seyb. A leak from an anonymous government professor who sits on the replacement committee has revealed that the shortlist of possible candidates includes celebrated comedians Steven Colbert, Chris Rock, Billy Crystal and Glen Beck.

"They won't nearly provide the same quality, but we hope one of them will be enough to keep students checking their emails," the anonymous Professor said.

The replacement committee hopes to announce their choice by mid-April. 

  * Note: the above excerpt is from an actual email sent out by Professor Seyb. Your author is not nearly brilliant enough to concoct such a letter.

Chip the Dog, controversial face of Cookie Crisp Cereal, selected as 2013 commencement speaker: April Fools Edition

Posted by Julia Martin

Students, professors and parents are outraged over the selection of Chip the Dog, the former face of Cookie Crisp Cereal, as the 2013 Commencement speaker. In a public statement sent out via e-mail on Thursday, members of the administration explained their decision:

"Chip has revolutionized the cereal industry. Cookies for breakfast?! The idea is both progressive and creative-two qualities we believe Skidmore students should embody. Chip was the face of Cookie Crisp Cereal for over a decade, and is one of the most successful dogs ever in the cutthroat and prejudice industry of cereal. Chip can also talk, a rare ability for dogs."

Students however, are enraged by the decision. Ben Harrison '14 said his anger stems from Chip's promotion of a poor product: "That little dog is always talking about how it tastes just like cookies and milk-that's the last time I listen to a dog! That stuff's nasty! It's confusing too, man, sometimes I'd forget what time it was because I'd be eating cookies in the morning, but usually I eat cookies at nighttime, so then I'd get confused about whether it was the morning or nighttime."

Parents have also cited Chip's multiple run-ins with the law as further reasoning why the dog shouldn't address the student body. Chip's most recent offense, public urination, landed him three nights in a NY state pound.

Chip explained that his recent arrests were products of his frustration over his unemployment, "In 2005 I was replaced by Chip the Wolf, because they told me I wasn't edgy anymore. His name isn't even Chip, it's Larry!" After taking a few moments to closely watch a nearby squirrel, Chip continued, "After I got laid off I got pretty koooOOOOOOOoooky, mainly because I was really lost. I needed some time to find myself again." Chip then chased after a squirrel before we could ask any further questions.  

Students reportedly plan to continue to protest the decision, while members of the administration expressed hopes that the student body would "throw them a bone."

Quasi-Intelligible Rants of Case Center Computers

Posted by Sandy Zhang

  • "Ugh. Yet another set of Dorito fingers. Just one more installment of the classic Thursday night THC-induced munchies. After doing this gig for 4 years, I know exactly how this will go: a visit to the website of Pope's Pizza, check credit card account, then Tumblr and e-mail. Too typical. When will I get to go on Harper's Magazine, HUH? I thought this place was supposed to be filled with intellectuals."
  • "Us Macs have to put in much longer hours than PCs. It's not fair. Since when did being stylish and sleek bring hard labor? These kids work me endlessly. I thought attractiveness promised an easier life."
  • "Please get this red pepper hummus off of me."
  • "Sheesh, it's that time of the night again - 1 am. Thorns of bleary-eyed procrastinators leave the library and settle for Case. Someone, probably an upper-classman, will inevitably shack up with me, type the way only someone who has taken Adderall moves her fingers, and won't even offer to call before leaving. Tomorrow, lather rinse repeat. Such is the mundane life of a Case computer."
  • "Kids these days have no manners, is it too difficult to log out after you are done with your business? I don't want to get mired in an investigation if a psycho invades this turf and posts assassination threats on Brad Pitt's Facebook page."

Blurbs Overheard! 4/18

Posted by Pulp Editors

"This kind of tastes like how lotion smells."
       Overheard in the Dining Hall
"How can I pay him back for the pizza, other than money?"
"How about a subtle, over the jeans, cock rub?"
       Overheard in Admissions
"That's a world class booty."
       Overheard in the Dining Hall
"I like love London because it like has like Parks."
       Overheard in Case Center

Investigating Faces 6

Posted by Nat Nagar

Alice, Peter and Sir Jack are waiting outside of the movie theatre for their two friends Joanna and Paul. Try and locate Joanna and Paul, who are patiently waiting to join their group of friends.

(Locate their faces, which are hidden amongst the other figures in the image to solve the puzzle. Their faces may be upside down, sideways etc.)

Investigating Faces 5

Posted by Nat Nagar

A crowd of passengers at an Airport stand underneath the departure screen and await for their flight information to 'pop' up. Airport security has just captured this shot and can make out 15 passengers easily, but they are told that there are 3 other passengers hidden in the photo. See if you are able to identify where these 3 passengers are: Mr. Smith, Mrs. Stanley and Ms. Jones.

(Locate their faces, which are hidden amongst the other figures in the image to solve the puzzle. Their faces may be upside down, sideways etc.)

Investigating Faces 4

Posted by Nat Nagar

Moira, Doris, Chad, Laura, Filipe and Ross have just finished writing what foods they liked and missed having at d hall. Lucy has also written on a napkin and pinned it to the board, but seems to be lost amongst the six individuals. Where is Lucy hiding in the image?

(Locate Lucy's face, which is hidden among the other figures in the image to solve the puzzle. Her face may be upside down, sideways etc.)

Blurbs Overheard! Mar. 5

Posted by Pulp Editors

"Why did you just step away?"

"Because you're not wearing a bra."

"So?"

"And it's cold."

Overheard in Wiecking Hall

---

"I wonder how Miles Davis would have gotten along with Robert Byrd..."

Overheard outside the Embury Apartments

---

"Have you ever seen a black angel?"

"Saw a black cupid."

Overheard in the first floor of Case Center

---

"What was that Machiavelli said? 'If fortune is a woman...tie her down?'"

Overheard in the Scribner Library

Investigating Faces 3

Posted by Nat Nagar

Mrs. Johnson is driving her mother and her four children (Ben, John, Carrie and Sandy) to the mall to get a few bits and bobs for their upcoming family trip to Morocco for spring break. Ben, John and Carrie are sitting in the back of the car listening to the music playing from the radio. But where is Sandy sitting?